Cinematic Titanic Guide

Welcome, won't you?

Featuring horrible old films marked with the silhouettes of its riffers, Cinematic Titanic is the closest thing to classic Mystery Science Theater 3000 around. Launched at the tail end of 2007 by MST3K creator Joel Hodgson, the cast also includes co-riffers Mary Jo Pehl, Frank Conniff, Josh Weinstein, and Trace Beaulieu. Visit the Cast Page, why don't you?

The first seven releases are currently available from EZTakes as a download or from the Cinematic Titanic store as mail-order DVDs. A DVD of a live performance of The Alien Factor will become available on February 23, 2010. Future releases will likely be recorded soon, featuring the other films they've performed in their live shows: Danger on Tiki Island, War of the Insects and Samson and the Seven Miracles.

CT001 The Oozing Skull
CT002 Doomsday Machine
CT003 The Wasp Woman
CT004 Legacy of Blood
CT005 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
CT006 Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks
CT007 Blood of the Vampires
CT008 East Meets Watts
CT009 The Alien Factor
CT010 Danger on Tiki Island

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MST3K.com Guide

Robots of the future riffing the mousepads of the past.Update 6/6/08:

The ill-fated cartoons described below are now dead, their site of origin swept clean of their remains. Their creators have now more than atoned for their sins by filling the space with a lively and easily navigable site filled with material from the classic show.

Go and visit the new
MST3K.com here, or read my write-up on the subject here.

Now that Best Brains has stopped producing original content there is, of course, nothing further to review. The guide below refers only to the now-defunct Version One of MST3K.com and should be taken purely as a point of historical reference.

Update 5/2/08:

The MST3K.com website appears to have been deleted, and now points to a "Pardon Our Dust" page that promises a new site in June 2008. The store is still functional.

Some years after the show’s demise, Mystery Science Theater 3000 producer and rights holder Jim Mallon decided to cash in on the show’s continued popularity with a series of online cartoon adventures featuring our friends the ‘Bots. Oh, and there’s some old host segments on there too. You can visit the store while you're there, but the videos are relatively expensive compared to other online stores. The "Legacy Merchandise" sections are cool, though.

As for the cartoons themselves, I like the new ‘Bot designs and animation style. It looks clean and bright and fluid, despite every evidence of having been made on the cheap. Servo is now voiced by James Moore, a man I’d never heard of until now, but sounds a great deal like Josh Weinstein back when he performed the role. Crow is former MST3K writer Paul Chaplin, who sounds nothing like former Crows Bill Corbett or Trace Beaulieu, but manages to convey the personality quite adequately. Gypsy is voiced by Jim Mallon, and sounds like her former self simply because she’s played by the same person. These are the things they got right. Unfortunately, they seem to have gotten everything else wrong. Fan outcry to this effect appears to have killed the project, as nothing outside of the store has been updated in quite some time.


Cartoon001 Reel Livin'
Cartoon002 Feels Like
Cartoon003 Thanksgiving Clown
Cartoon004 Solitaire

List of Featured "Legacy Videos" (i.e. old host segments)

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Rifftrax Guide

...and make fun of them.Welcome, won't you?

Michael J. Nelson was the host of Mystery Science Theater 3000 for the latter half of the show’s run, and head writer for several years before that. Several years after network management shifts and movie rights issues killed MST3K, Mike decided to take the show’s core concept for another spin with an online project called Rifftrax.

Rifftrax are podcasts, basically audio files that act as commentary tracks for existing DVDs. (To get around those pesky rights issues, the commentary tracks have to be sold separate from the movies themselves--except for public domain movies; more on that below.) You then play them in sync with the DVD, which, fortunately, is much easier than it sounds. These audio files can be downloaded from RiffTrax.com for a nominal fee, generally between $1.99 and $3.99, depending on the age of the commentary track, the length of the movie, and the number of guest riffers joining Mike. Also, for every public domain film to receive Rifftrax treatment, the film and the commentary have been combined into a Divx video file, available for rental or purchase through RiffTrax On Demand. Recently they have begun to add commentaries by non-Mike folks under the newly created brand of Rifftrax Presents.

For more information, please enjoy our lovely cast page.

And now, the Episode Guide:

Rifftrax 000.1 to 008
Rifftrax 009 to 018
Rifftrax 019 to 028
Rifftrax 029 to 038
Rifftrax 039 to 048
Rifftrax 049 to 058
Rifftrax 059 to 068
Rifftrax 069 to 077
Rifftrax 078 to 088
Rifftrax 089 to 098
Rifftrax 099 to 110
Rifftrax 111 to 120
Rifftrax Video On Demand 001 to 010

Rifftrax Video On Demand 011 to 020
Rifftrax Video On Demand 021 to 030
Rifftrax Video On Demand 031 to 040
Rifftrax Video On Demand 041 to 050
Rifftrax Video On Demand 051 to 060
Rifftrax Video On Demand 061 to 070
Rifftrax Video On Demand 071 to 080
Rifftrax Video On Demand 081 to 090
Rifftrax Video On Demand 091 to 100
Rifftrax Video On Demand 101 to 110
Rifftrax Video On Demand 111 to 120
Rifftrax Video On Demand 121 to 130
Rifftrax Video On Demand 131 to 140
Rifftrax Video On Demand 141 to date
Rifftrax Presents 001 to 010
Rifftrax Presents 011 to date

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Dramatis Personae: Rifftrax Edition

Michael J. Nelson: The Master Riffer. Mike is host of the movie-mocking podcast. He was head writer for Mystery Science Theater 3000 for most of the show and replaced Joel Hodson as host for the latter half of its run. Rifftrax is his baby, and he’s featured in every single one of them. Edit: Except for the ones featured in Rifftrax Presents, a series of riffs defined by his non-presence.

Kevin Murphy: Another MST3K alumnus, Kevin did puppeteer duty as Tom Servo from MST3K Season Two through the end of the show. He is the most prolific guest riffer, appearing in more Rifftrax than any other guest.

Bill Corbett: Bill comes from MST3K as well, having puppeteered Crow for the last three seasons. He doesn’t appear quite as frequently as Kevin, but still has quite a few Rifftrax under his belt.

Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka: Lowtax, of course, runs the (in)famous online humor site, SomethingAwful.com. To date, he has only appeared in the Rifftrax for the very troll-less Troll 2.

Chad Vader: A Day Shift grocery store manager by day, but by night, um... I think he's a Day Shift grocery store manager by night too; the only difference being that "by night", he's off duty. Darth's younger brother has inherited his brother's awesome Force powers and awesome life support suit (complete with James Earl Jones-esque voice-altering technology), but not his awesome sinister machismo. This pathetic coat-tail rider tags along with the Rifftrax crew to add his insights to the riffs for Episodes II and V of the Star Wars series.

Neil Patrick Harris: Star of screen and, um, bigger screen I guess, Neil is best known for his television work, beginning with his breakout role as Doogie Howser M.D., moving up to his current project, the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. He appears in the Rifftrax for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Mary Jo Pehl: Formerly known as Pearl Forrester, the bad guy during the later years of MST3K. Mary Jo only appeared in one Rifftrax (Glitter) before jumping ship to Cinematic Titanic, but she returns occasionally to vex Bill Corbett, as seen, er, heard in X-Files: Fight the Future.

Bridget Nelson: Wife of Michael J. Nelson, former writer/performer on MST3K, best known for her bit parts as Mr. B Natural and Nuveena: Woman of the Future. Bridget has appeared in two Rifftrax—the ultra-girly Grey’s Anatomy and the Nicolas Cage train wreck Next.

Fred Willard: Comedian, improv champ, and film and television star Fred Willard (best known for his work in the semi-improvised comedies of Christopher Guest) joins Rifftrax for the (and I use the term loosely) classic SciFi adventure, Missile to the Moon.

"Weird Al" Yankovic:This singer, actor, comedian, director and all around bon vivant is most famous for his phenomenal success parodying the most popular songs of the last four decades. Aside from that, however, you'd be hard pressed to find anything else that's weird about him. In fact, he might just be the most normal person working in Hollywood. Al joins Mike to mock Jurassic Park for the second time of his career.

James Lileks: I had not heard of Mr. Lileks before he appeared on Rifftrax's short list of Very Special Guest Stars, but he is apparently a blogger, columnist, writer and humorist of some renown. Look for him on the commentary track for Spider-Man 3.

Matthew J. Elliott: I had not heard of Matthew Elliott either, but here he is, providing solo commentaries for the newly established line of non-Mike riffs in Rifftrax Presents. By day, Mr. Elliott is an editor and author of mystery novels, and a performer of radio dramas. By night, he possesses the calmest, sanest voice to appear on Rifftrax thus far. Look for him on the commentary tracks for Dark Water and House of Wax.

Richard Cheese: Vegas crooner Richard Cheese will sing anything to a swingin' lounge beat, including (but not limited to) the songs of Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails and Sir Mixalot. Mr. Cheese's music is featured on the soundtrack of Ocean's Eleven; his speaking voice is featured on the Rifftrax for same.

Josh Fruhlinger: Mr. Fruhlinger's surname seems to demand an umlaut, but doesn't actually have one. More significantly, he runs a website called The Comics Curmudgeon, where he spends every day mocking the criminally unfunny denizens of the newspaper comics page. Years of following the drawn out non-drama of newspaper Spider-Man's non-adventures have apparently driven him into an unholy pact with the folks at Rifftrax. Look for him on the commentary for Spider-Man 2.

Janet Varney: Ms. Varney is a comedienne and actress (Is that PC? Should I have said "comedian and actor"?) best known for co-hosting TBS Dinner and a Movie, and co-creating the SF Sketchfest. She plays recurring characters on several TV shows, as well as (according to imdb.com) a woman named "Fishtickle" in an upcoming skateboarding movie. In my mind, it's that last one that most qualifies her to co-write and co-perform the Rifftrax Presents commentaries for Dirty Dancing and Ghost.

Cole Stratton: Mr. Stratton is an improv/sketch comedy specialist who co-created the SF Sketchfest and has occasionally appeared on Nash Bridges, but beyond that, I know very little about him. If I told you that he's a three-time pinewood derby champion with false teeth and a fondness for butternut squash, I would probably be lying, but since I don't really know, I can't say that for sure either. The one thing I can say for sure is that he co-wrote and co-performed the Rifftrax Presents commentaries for Dirty Dancing and Ghost.

Jonathan Coulton: Like most internet troubadours, Mr. Coulton's music tends toward the nerd-themed. Unlike most internet troubadours, though, people outside the internet have heard of him. Popular tunes include his acoustic remix of Baby Got Back and the zombie-themed Re: Your Brains. He is best known, however, for writing the best video game theme song ever. Mr. Coulton appears in the Rifftrax Presents commentary for the (theoretically) nerd-themed Tron.

Paul & Storm: Paul Sabourin and Greg "Storm" DiCostanzo are, technically, separate people, but since they never pose for photos separately (according to Google image search, anyway) they only get one entry. Messrs. Paul and Storm are an internet/geek community comedy singing sensation, having sung many, many funny hits that I don't know about. (A deficiency on my part, I admit. I intend to rectify this shortly). Paul and Storm join Jonathan Coulton for the Rifftrax Presents commentary for Tron.

Joel McHale: Mr. McHale is the actor/comedian currently tasked with making fun of reality shows and similar ilk on E! Network's The Soup, a very funny show marred only by the presence of the horrifying Mankini. Mr. McHale does other stuff sometimes too, as evidenced by his imdb page, and his appearance in the Rifftrax commentary for the legendary Swayze/Sheen action/drama, Red/Dawn... Sorry, I mean Red Dawn.

Matt Sloan & Aaron Yonda: Like Paul & Storm, Mssrs. Sloan and Yonda get lumped together for the purposes of this guide. (Don't feel bad, guys. I'd do the same to Shields & Yarnell.) Sloan and Yonda are the evil masterminds of Blame Society, the production company behind Chad Vader: Day Shift Manager. Chad, it's worth nothing, is a fictional character, but this has not stopped him from appearing in previous commentaries with the core Rifftrax gang. Matt, Aaron and Chad set out on their own with the Rifftrax Presents commentary for Running Man.

That Guy With The Glasses: That Guy With The Glasses (also known as Doug Walker) won the first iRiffs contest with his riff for The Lion King (unreviewed by me) and was thereafter awarded a spot in the prestigious Rifftrax Presents lineup. He's best known in internet circles for his pop-culture website ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com, and for creating the Rifftrax Presents commentary for Batman Forever. Co-riffers Brian Heinz and Rob Walker are not That Guy With The Glasses, but are known in internet circles for basically the same things.

Veronica Belmont: Though Veronica Belmont is best known for co-hosting the internet technology review show Tekzilla, imdb.com tells me that she also once appeared in a documentary called Vampire Secrets as a character named Virgin #5. Having seen neither of the above-mentioned works, the first time I heard of her was when she hosted the first annual Rifftrax Live broadcast. Shortly thereafter, she appeared in the commentary for the Rifftrax Short, American Thrift.

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I Give This Rating System Two and a Half Stars

Welcome, won't you?

Conversion of all past reviews to the standard four-star rating system is complete. All links to the original rating system post have been cut. Except for, you know, the one in the previous sentence.

Coming soon: Now that MST3K spin-offs have begun to proliferate, I will be adjusting the site navigation to reflect this, while hopefully keeping the sidebars to a manageable length.

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Joel Jumps Back into the Movie-Riffing Ring

Welcome, won't you?

Were you as underwhelmed as I was by yesterday's announcement? Sure, we all do. I said a lot of things yesterday, but the main gist was I don't care about the original MST3K characters. I care about the format, and the people who created it.

Now check this out. Go on, read the whole thing. I'll wait until you're done.

Now that's cool. In a nutshell, original MST3K creator Joel Hodson, along with fellow former cast members Mary Jo Pehl, Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff, and Josh Weinstein are going to start riffing movies again for a project they've named Cinematic Titanic. Looks like it will be a kind of direct-to-video MST3K, like the Film Crew DVDs.

The first one's due out in December sometime. I'll be looking forward to it.

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MST3K.com Videos

Note: The MST3K.com site has been relaunched with a new design that now consists of almost nothing but legacy videos. However, these are all clearly labeled with their episode of origin, making further lists on my part redundant. In short, everything below no longer applies.

All "legacy videos" appearing on MST3K.com are host segments from prior episodes of MST3K except for Turkey Bits, as noted below. There appear to be only twelve slots for videos; as new ones are added, old ones drop off the other end.

Currently Active Videos:

Ion Storm (from Episode 611 Last of the Wild Horses)
Jet Jaguar (from Episode 212 Godzilla vs. Megalon)
Lighthouse (from Episode 414 Tormented)
Mike As (from Episode 608 Code Name: Diamondhead)
Mads Fight (from Episode 315 Teenage Caveman)
Nuveena (from Episode 524 12 to the Moon)
Ode to Kim (from Episode 403 City Limits)
Space Snacks (from Episode 404 Teenagers from Outer Space)
Phones (from Episode 701 Night of the Blood Beast, regular version)
Wedding (from Episode 616 Racket Girls)
Tank Bazooka (from Episode 204 Catalina Caper)
Why Don't They Look (from Episode 520 Radar Secret Service)

Previously Hosted Videos:

Tibby, oh Tibby (from Episode 302 Gamera)
Mads on a Date (from Episode 617 Sword and the Dragon)
Hike Up Your Pants (from Episode 307 Daddy-O)
Genealogy Bop (from Episode 213 Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster)
Earth vs. Soup (from Episode 704 The Incredible Melting Man)
Turkey Bits (A selection of bumpers originally aired on Comedy Central during the various Thanksgiving marathons)
Torgo Interview (from Episode 523 Village of the Giants)
Atomic Hair Dryer (from Episode 515 The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman)
A Danger to Ourselves (from Episode 406 Attack of the Giant Leeches)
Cell Phone Baby Growth (from Episode 306 Time of the Apes)
Bots for Christmas (from Episode 321 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians)
Hugh Visits SOL (from Episode 208 The Lost Continent)
Eyes Candy (from Episode 108 The Slime People)
Saw Sax (from Episode 203 Jungle Goddess)

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Cartoon004 Solitaire

(2007, Comedy/Animation/Short, color)

Rating: *1/2


Why is it that Crow's arms work now, but Tom's don't?Tom looks over Crow's shoulder during a game of Solitaire, making suggestions and comments. This irritates Crow into leaving. Quoth he, "It's called solitaire for a reason!" Tom tries to continue the game on his own, but his non-functional arms prevent him. An affort to move the cards with his mind eventually makes his head explode.


Wow, two whole jokes in this one! "It's called solitaire for a reason" is kind of amusing, and so is Tom's head explosion. Unfortunately, the brief moments of funny still mired in flat, uninspired musing. Still, it's the first cartoon in the series that merely kind of sucks, instead of sucking badly, or just sucking.

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Cartoon003 Thanksgiving Clown

(2007, Comedy/Animation/Short/Holiday, color)

Rating: *


They didn't have kangaroos or mariachis either.Tom shows up to the SOL Thanksgiving Pageant in full clownish regalia. After a thorough check of the encyclopedia, Crow informs him that clowns did not attend the first Thanksgiving.


This one has an amusing setup but no punchline, and thus falls flat with only half a joke. Um, guys? Hello? Where's the funny? This feels incomplete like a Thanksgiving feast that consists solely of cranberry sauce.

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Cartoon002 Feels Like

(2007, Comedy/Animation/Short, color)

Rating: *


Um, yeah.  Why did you continue speaking, anyway?Gypsy checks the outdoor temperature, which is 260 degrees below, but feels like 265. Tom notes how true this is, and relates a vast number of things that are one thing, but feel like something else. Gypsy gets tired of this, and asks him to stop. Tom notes that being asked to stop feels like she's saying, “It wasn’t funny to begin with, and it certainly hasn’t gotten any funnier as you’ve continued speaking.”


Tom's parting shot (quoted above) is sadly apropos to the cartoon series thus far. With nowhere to go but up, the 'Bots second animated adventure improves with exactly one joke, recognizable as such because this time the punchline matches the setup. It might even have been a reasonably amusing joke, except that they ruined the timing by stretching it out too long, and diluted it with all kinds of irrelevant musing in the middle.

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Cartoon001: Reel Livin’

(2007, Comedy/Animation/Short, color)

Rating: *


[Insert unironic pro-kayak blather here.]Crow finds a large, fish-stocked lake on the Satellite of Love, and decides to go kayaking. He enthuses about his kayak at length until Servo overturns it with his jet ski. Gypsy pops up at the end with a non sequitur punchline.


As much as I want to like anything that stars my beloved 'Bots, this cartoon is just not funny. It doesn’t look like it’s even trying to be funny. It does not, in fact, contain any jokes. When this project got announced, I wondered whether they were going to do something host segment-style or riff an old short. Now I know that the answer is, “neither.” The ‘Bots are just going to talk to us and each other about nothing in particular.

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Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Next Generation

Welcome, won't you?

Read this. It's kind of long and rather dense with confusing information, so take your time. Done yet?

Good. I don't know if I should be excited about a web-only continuation of my favorite TV show, or disgusted at a blatant cash grab or what.

I mean, of course it's a cash grab. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Rifftrax, Film Crew, and MST3K itself were/are all cash grabs too, in their own way--the writers/performers don't do any of this for free. But they do it for us as well, delivering some very top-notch funny directly to our computers and TV sets.

Unfortunately, the only original cast members who seem to be involved with MST3K 2.0 are Jim Mallon (who owns the MST3K property) as Gypsy and Paul Chaplin (a writer/performer best known for his recurring appearances as Ned the Nanite and Pitch the Devil) as Crow. Yes, they've recast Crow again. And everyone else, I'm guessing, because if they'd brought back Mike, or Kevin, or Mary Jo, I'm sure they'd be trumpeting it in that announcement.

Essentially, we're getting an entirely new entertainment product from an almost entirely new creative team with the same characters. The only things we know for sure are that there will be a) animated adventures and b) merchandise.

No one has said what kind of adventures. Will they be riffing old short films? Will they be performing host segment-style skits? Is there going to be an emphasis on new content, or will this be flash-animated crap whose sole purpose is to draw us into their MST3K T-shirt shop?

We'll find out on November 5, 2007, I guess, but with so much of the cast missing, I'm not all that hopeful. Mike, Bill, and Kevin help out with online animation projects all the time (Max the Hero, most recently) so I know they're available to some extent, at least.

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Digital Willard (Possibly) Forthcoming

Welcome, won't you?

At the risk of having to eat my words again, I'll go out on a limb and repeat the forum chatter (from a Rifftrax employee this time) predicting release of a downloadable video file for the next Rifftrax release, Missile to the Moon, with the movie and the commentary combined. I certainly hope so, because it will save me the time and expense of having to order and wait for a DVD.

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Please Ignore the Previous Post

Welcome, won't you?

Looks like my sources on the delay were wrong. Oh, well.

Next Tuesday Rifftrax and Mike Nelson will welcome Fred Willard to their guest riffing fold when they release a commentary track for the 1958 (and, since I've never heard of this film before, I use the term loosely) classic, Missile to the Moon. A review will follow sometime afterwards, how much time depends on how soon I find a copy of the film.

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No Rifftrax Announcement Today

Welcome, won't you?

Announcement of the new Rifftrax was scheduled for today, but it appears this will no longer be the case due to the wildfires in Southern California. We'll all just have to wait until the fires get under control and the Rifftrax staff get the opposite of evacuated. (Disevactuated? Devacuated?) In the meantime, we'll cross our fingers and hope for everyone's safety, and the safety of their property.

In other news, the transition from my custom rating system to the standard star system proceeds apace, with all MST3K reviews from KTMA through Season Four now converted.

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Featuring Peter Falk as That One Guy...

Welcome, won't you?

Nicolas Cage is Cris "Frank Cadillac" Johnson in Next, something of which he ought to be deeply ashamed. The Rifftrax review has been posted here.

Also, I'm altering my reviews a bit. Instead of using an oversimplified rating system of my own devising, I'm going to start issuing ratings according to the same four star system used by nearly every newspaper in the country. (Here's why, in case you're interested.) Next is the first; the previous reviews will be converted over a little at a time.

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A Few Short-Term Predictions

Welcome, won't you?

I just saw Next, and it was better than I thought it would be--though, to put that in perspective, my expectations were extremely low. I'll have a review up tomorrow.

Also, the next (uncapitalized) Rifftrax will be announced on October 23, 2007, which usually means that the Rifftrax itself will come out a week after that. Something Halloween-flavored, maybe? We'll see.

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Is He Strong? Listen, Bud!

Welcome, won't you?

The latest Rifftrax showcases what is probably the best superhero movie to be reviewed on this site... No, wait. Prince of Space was funnier. Not by much, though. Anyway, please enjoy the adventures of our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, as recapped in this Rifftrax review.

In other news, the Next Rifftrax has been released. Which is to say that the Rifftrax that features mockery of the Nicolas Cage SciFi vehicle called "Next" has been released. Expect a review by early next week.

Still no word on when the next... er... Still no word on the timetable of any subsequent releases.

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Nicolas Cage Fans of the World, Rejoice...While the Rest of Us Cringe in Horror

Welcome, won't you?

The announcement is in: Next Tuesday (October 16, 2007), Rifftrax will reenter the chilled and murky waters of what people still laughingly refer to as "Nicolas Cage's Career" with a commentary track for the nonsensical precognitive thriller, Next. The guest riffer will be Bridget Nelson.

In other news, I have obtained both the Spiderman Rifftrax and a copy of the DVD, and will be viewing them together shortly. Expect a review by early next week.

In news other than the other news previously announced, announcement of the the date of the next new Rifftrax announcement has not yet been announced. (i.e. We don't know what will come after Next, and we don't know when we will know it.)

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Why Did It Have to be Snakes?

Welcome, won't you?

The latest Rifftrax review (for the swashbuckler archaeologist epic Raiders of the Lost Ark) has been posted. I'll be back sometime next week with my review of Tobey Maguire's web-swinging angst in Spiderman.


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He's Got Radioactive Blood

Welcome, won't you?

The next Rifftrax has been announced, and it is...[drumroll]...Spiderman! Release date will be Tuesday, October Ninth. The next rifftrax will be announced on Wednesday, October Tenth.

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Spoiler Warning: Everybody Dies. You'll Wish You Had Too.

Welcome, won't you?

My review of the Episode III rifftrax is finally posted. Read and be warned. I'll be downloading the Raiders of the Lost Ark rifftrax later today and will post a review within the week.


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