Welcome, Won’t You?

In honor of the man who invented lightning.Do you like beans? Do you like George Wendt? Would you watch George Wendt in a bean-eating movie? Do questions like this keep you up at night?

Me neither. Please disregard the above and pay attention to the following:

This is my episode guide for Mystery Science Theater 3000--you know, that one show where silhouettes of puppets make fun of old movies. I've included reviews of all the films featured. Also included are guides to its ever-proliferating offspring. For the sake of clarity, I have separated these guides into the following sections:

Mystery Science Theater 3000
Film Crew
Cinematic Titanic

For information on the guide itself, choose one of the following:

For an explanation on how I’ve set up the reviews, please see Anatomy of a Review.

For a warning regarding my incautious summary style, please see A Note on Spoilers. Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Guide.

For miscellaneous information about the various whys, hows, and where-to-fores, please see the FAQ.

If, for any reason, you feel you need to find me, here's my contact information.

Also, it is worth noting that, to my knowledge, George Wendt does not appear in any of the movies featured by the show and its progeny. Just thought you’d like to know.

It is also worth noting that, as of May 2011, Rifftrax forges ahead showing no signs of fatigue, while Cinematic Titanic continues their active tour schedule and may actually produce another DVD the next time the planets appear favorable.  The War of the Colossal Fan Guide is, unfortunately, no longer updating.

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A Goodbye of Varying Length

Did they ever do an Elliott Gould movie?  I'm pretty sure they didn't.
I quit.

Sorry, that sounded more abrupt than I meant it to. My fondness for MST3K, Rifftrax, Cinematic Titanic and related works remains untarnished, but for reasons you have no reason to care about, I will no longer update the War of the Colossal Fan Guide. If, for some reason, you do care, I’ve posted said reasons after the cut. For now, suffice it to say that I’ve been revising my Big List O’Priorities, and the Guide is no longer on it.

Don’t worry (assuming you’re worrying), I’m not going to take the Guide down. It was a lot of effort to create and maintain. My current plan is to let it stand as a monument to my hubris until the end of time, or at least until Blogger finally goes the way of Geocities, Angelfire, etc. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.

Still here? You want the whole story? I guess I could craft an elaborate tale of bankruptcy, foreclosure, death and divorce. Maybe point you to the donation button in my hour of need. I probably shouldn’t, though. For one thing, none of it would be true. I’m mildly solvent, happily married, current on my house payments, and all my close relatives are reasonably healthy. Life in general is pretty okay.

I’ve got kids too, which is where the real story starts. The oldest is a short ways into double digits and the other two aren’t far behind. I have to drive them places more frequently. Homework gets increasingly complex. They eat more and stay up later. This is not unexpected or unwelcome. It’s just different, in some ways harder and definitely more time-consuming. I also have more responsibilities at work (which I get paid less for—thanks, economy!), a spouse with ambitious home improvement plans, the list goes on.

Could I continue the Guide while still accomplishing all of the above? Certainly. Thus far I’ve already been getting it done in the cracks between more important responsibilities. Which brings us to the crux of the matter: it’s an extra responsibility. It’s a job. A fun job, to be sure. I love writing; I love MST3K et al. But it’s work. It takes a lot of takes time and effort, the expenses associated with running it far exceed the meager ad revenue, and I’m constantly falling behind. Staying on top of my real life responsibilities is hard enough. I don’t need more stress in my life.

That’s pretty much the long and short of it. I’m still going to watch Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic, albeit at a relaxed pace and without a notebook in my hand. I won’t feel obligated to buy every release (thinking particularly Rifftrax’s very occasional forays into gory slashers, empty Asian ghost stories and airheaded romances) but I’ll probably still pick up the vast majority. Odds are I’ll miss the writing part so much that I’ll probably start a new blog in a couple of weeks. If I do, it will only update sporadically, and most likely address topics that interest only me.

Thank you for reading this far. There aren’t many of you, but for the most part your comments have been intelligent and kind, qualities that, for internet denizens anyway, seem to be unique to MST3K fans. Thanks to the staff of MST3K and its offspring for tolerating and occasionally supporting my work. And also, of course, for creating, perfecting and perpetuating one of my favorite forms of entertainment.

Godspeed sirs,


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