War of the Colossal MST3K Fan Guide

Welcome, Won’t You?

2011-05-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

Do you like beans? Do you like George Wendt? Would you watch George Wendt in a bean-eating movie? Do questions like this keep you up at night?

Me neither. Please disregard the above and pay attention to the following:

This is my episode guide for Mystery Science Theater 3000--you know, that one show where silhouettes of puppets make fun of old movies. I've included reviews of all the films featured. Also included are guides to its ever-proliferating offspring. For the sake of clarity, I have separated these guides into the following sections:

Mystery Science Theater 3000
Rifftrax
Film Crew
Cinematic Titanic
Miscellaneous

For information on the guide itself, choose one of the following:

For an explanation on how I’ve set up the reviews, please see Anatomy of a Review.

For a warning regarding my incautious summary style, please see A Note on Spoilers.

For miscellaneous information about the various whys, hows, and where-to-fores, please see the FAQ.

If, for any reason, you feel you need to find me, here's my contact information.

Also, it is worth noting that, to my knowledge, George Wendt does not appear in any of the movies featured by the show and its progeny. Just thought you’d like to know.

It is also worth noting that, as of May 2011, Rifftrax forges ahead showing no signs of fatigue, while Cinematic Titanic continues their active tour schedule and may actually produce another DVD the next time the planets appear favorable. The War of the Colossal Fan Guide is, unfortunately, no longer updating.

A Goodbye of Varying Length

2011-05-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

I quit.

Sorry, that sounded more abrupt than I meant it to. My fondness for MST3K, Rifftrax, Cinematic Titanic and related works remains untarnished, but for reasons you have no reason to care about, I will no longer update the War of the Colossal Fan Guide. If, for some reason, you do care, I’ve posted said reasons after the cut. For now, suffice it to say that I’ve been revising my Big List O’Priorities, and the Guide is no longer on it.

Don’t worry (assuming you’re worrying), I’m not going to take the Guide down. It was a lot of effort to create and maintain. My current plan is to let it stand as a monument to my hubris until the end of time, or at least until Blogger finally goes the way of Geocities, Angelfire, etc. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.

Still here? You want the whole story? I guess I could craft an elaborate tale of bankruptcy, foreclosure, death and divorce. Maybe point you to the donation button in my hour of need. I probably shouldn’t, though. For one thing, none of it would be true. I’m mildly solvent, happily married, current on my house payments, and all my close relatives are reasonably healthy. Life in general is pretty okay.

I’ve got kids too, which is where the real story starts. The oldest is a short ways into double digits and the other two aren’t far behind. I have to drive them places more frequently. Homework gets increasingly complex. They eat more and stay up later. This is not unexpected or unwelcome. It’s just different, in some ways harder and definitely more time-consuming. I also have more responsibilities at work (which I get paid less for—thanks, economy!), a spouse with ambitious home improvement plans, the list goes on.

Could I continue the Guide while still accomplishing all of the above? Certainly. Thus far I’ve already been getting it done in the cracks between more important responsibilities. Which brings us to the crux of the matter: it’s an extra responsibility. It’s a job. A fun job, to be sure. I love writing; I love MST3K et al. But it’s work. It takes a lot of takes time and effort, the expenses associated with running it far exceed the meager ad revenue, and I’m constantly falling behind. Staying on top of my real life responsibilities is hard enough. I don’t need more stress in my life.

That’s pretty much the long and short of it. I’m still going to watch Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic, albeit at a relaxed pace and without a notebook in my hand. I won’t feel obligated to buy every release (thinking particularly Rifftrax’s very occasional forays into gory slashers, empty Asian ghost stories and airheaded romances) but I’ll probably still pick up the vast majority. Odds are I’ll miss the writing part so much that I’ll probably start a new blog in a couple of weeks. If I do, it will only update sporadically, and most likely address topics that interest only me.

Thank you for reading this far. There aren’t many of you, but for the most part your comments have been intelligent and kind, qualities that, for internet denizens anyway, seem to be unique to MST3K fans. Thanks to the staff of MST3K and its offspring for tolerating and occasionally supporting my work. And also, of course, for creating, perfecting and perpetuating one of my favorite forms of entertainment.

Godspeed sirs,

Skenderberg

RE: Tasking

2011-04-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!

(Link above goes to the review, by the way.)

Velociraptors Have Invaded Toad Hall

2011-04-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

The weekend and it's most closely located weekdays have passed, laden with Rifftrax-related riches. From Matthew J. Elliott (the Beatrix Potter of Rifftrax Presents contributors) we have a commentary for Jurassic Park III, the first Jurassic Park Rifftrax to not include Weird Al. From the main gang we have another nature short: A Badger's Bad Day. If the promotional poster is to be believed, it has an actual badger in it and is thus not a sequel to Wind in the Willows. A review for Wrath of Khan ought to be up before the end of the week.

Best Served with Pinto Beans and Muffins

2011-04-12T16:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

My busy weekends often fill with offspring-related activities, keeping me away from the internet for days at a time. This weekend I missed the announcement for the Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan Rifftrax, due out on April 12, 2011. Why, that means it comes out today! Maybe. Actually, it's almost close of business here in California and the Rifftrax still isn't released yet. Keep checking here, and maybe it will be before the end of the day.

Update: It's available now.

Bear Suits in the Sky

2011-04-06T15:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

If you don't know who Vaughn Monroe was, you've probably at least heard "Riders in the Sky." And if, like me, you'd maybe only heard "Riders in the Sky" once or twice in your life, you'll probably recognize it anyway from all the times you've heard it parodied.

If none of the above applies to you, you'll know who both of them are after watching alleged fire safety short Vision in the Forest, in which a semi-famous singer sings a really famous song while a man in a bear suit suprises the singer's daughter in the woods. If that sounds weird to you, well, it is. Review here.

SWEEEEEEP!

2011-03-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

I just saw The Karate Kid, Part III again, and I'm pretty sure my teenage self disliked it because he was bored. As far as he was concerned, screen time without karate was screen time wasted, and by that measure KK3 wastes quite a bit of screen time indeed. Review of the Rifftrax here.

The latest Rifftrax short Vision in the Forest probably doesn't have karate either. It has a man in a bear suit, though, and that's almost as good. Grab it here.

Filmed in Same-O-Vision

2011-03-22T16:07:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

Yet another film from my distant past. The Rifftrax this week is for Karate Kid III, which I dimly remember as being just like the first one, only worse. If my relatively indiscriminate past self thought it was bad, I shudder to think what it'll look like to my hypercritical present self. Grab the Rifftrax here.

There Can Be Only One Not Counting Sequels

2011-03-21T16:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

Rifftrax aside, watching Highlander again pretty much ruined it for me. How did I not notice the awful fight choreography last time? I wasn't expecting Crouching Tiger levels of cool, but somehow I remembered it being better than "my kids are whacking each other with the curtain rods again" quality.

The commentary's good, at least, and there's plenty to mock. Review here.

Who Wants to Live Forever?

2011-03-15T15:50:00.001-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

A Highlander Rifftrax has been released. I saw it once maybe seventeen or eighteen years ago? Not what I'd call an inspiring film, but it was certainly memorable, in a decapitation-y kind of way. My sister is coming over to watch it with me despite my warnings. She figures that if she could handle Ice Cream Bunny, she can handle this. We'll put that statement to the test tonight.

Also, here's my review of The ABC of Walking Wisely. So, crosswalks then? Yes, crosswalks.

Also, the commentary for Karate Kid III has been scheduled for release one week from today. Look for it on March 22, 2011.

And the 1-2-3 of Sagaciously Remaining Immobile

2011-03-11T15:47:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Time for a new Rifftrax short, The ABC of Walking Wisely. Perhaps it will be instructive on the use of feet. Grab it here.

The Land-Hinder

2011-03-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Two more announced Rifftrax left, and now we know which order they'll be in. Next up is the classic decapitation drama Highlander, due out on March 15, 2011.

We Now Return to Tautology Theater

2011-03-03T11:37:00.000-08:00

Basic Job Skills: Dealing With Customers posits that customers are things that exist. It naturally follows that things that exist should be dealt with. Doesn't get any simpler (or more helpful) than that. Review here.

Also, Max the Hero creator Mike Salva has a new project in the works called Pound Dogs. Folks interested in helping him get this project off the ground can read his press release behind the cut...

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Kickstarter Fundraiser for Animated Film Animated Film Offers Unique Incentives to Fund Production

Contact:
Mike Salva
theanimationguy@yahoo.com
615) 429-3407
Press material available on request or can be downloaded from www.projectmeatball.com.

Award-winning Nashville animator Mike Salva is taking his latest film POUND DOGS to the people. His animated comedy -- about two dogs talking about eating cat poo and waiting for adoption at an animal shelter -- is now a Kickstarter Project seeking funding.

Kickstarter (launched in 2009) is an exciting online pledge system that allows for funding of creative projects ranging from independent films to music to inventions. Salva is looking to raise at least $2500 to pay for the audio on POUND DOGS, which will be a 10 minute animated short to be completed by the end of this Summer.

After working in more traditional hand drawn 2D animation, Salva is experimenting with a new technique by making his canine cartoon characters out of clay and then baking them in the oven. He says it's the first cartoon he's made "in his kitchen." By supporting this production, donors will be helping to fund the recording and sound editing for the film. The voice performers will include Nashville comedians Ryan Williams and Sean Parrott, as well as singer Samantha Newark (who played Jem & Jerrica on the animated "Jem" series), filmmaker/music producer/songwriter/ singer Steve Taylor, and Andy Merrill (who has voiced several well-known characters on TV’s Adult Swim).

People contributing to the project will have a unique opportunity to support an independent filmmaker. To encourage donations, Salva is offering some fun incentives including a barking dog ringtone (performed by Williams & Parrott, who play the dogs in the film), a chance to have your pet thanked in the credits, a DVD copy of the finished film, and a 15-minute Skype Session with Samantha Newark for those contributing at the $200 level.

For a mere $125, though, you can receive an Associate Producer credit on the film and be listed on IMDb! Will this impress your friends? Indeed it will!

Previously, Salva has made MAX THE HERO, which screened at many international film festivals and won several awards. The cartoon features "Mystery Science Theater 3000's" Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett. He also made DEATH ROW DIET, which stars Jonathan Katz (from TV's "Dr. Katz") and Tom Leopold.

Salva is available for interviews to discuss the film and the Kickstarter project, and about the creativity needed not only to make a film these days but also to find ways to fund it.

The direct link to the Kickstarter project is: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/projectmeatball/help-out-the-pound-dogs

A short Facebook/Twitter-friendly link to the Kickstarter project: http://kck.st/dJCUzq

The direct link to the pitch video on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFzUhN2SuEI

More information on Kickstarter can be found at:
https://www.kickstarter.com/

More information on Salva and his work is available at www.projectmeatball.com.

Hangin' Out Wif Mah Family

2011-03-01T16:08:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Turns out that Birdemic: Shock and Terror is available for rental on XBox Live. It's the right cut of the movie and plays at the correct speed and everything. (Only downside: it costs about six bucks worth of points). So here's the review, a little earlier than I expected. Don't thank me, thank my most pernicious, time-wasting habit*.

Also, new short! The latest Rifftrax short addresses Basic Job Skills: Dealing With Customers. I hope it's at least as helpful as the last one in the series. Grab it here.

--------------

*Gaming, not Rifftrax.

RVOD153 Vision in the Forest

2011-03-01T15:53:00.000-08:00

(1957, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Pedo-Bear: The Motion Picture

Rating: ***1/2

In a Nutshell:

Respecting the forest pleases Smokey the Billboard Ghost Bear.

Summary:

Singing star Vaughn Monroe camps in the wilderness with his family, introducing them to us while singing his hit song, “Riders in the Sky.” His youngest daughter gets bored and wanders away to engage in unspecified wood lore. In the middle of the forest, she comes across a billboard of Smokey the Bear, who springs to life to nod his head wisely at her. She returns to camp, declaring, “Smokey is real!” Mr. Monroe obligingly switches to a song extolling the virtues of a ranger-hatted man in a bear suit.

Thoughts:

Fire... bad... I’m pretty sure someone mentioned that in passing. Mostly, though, it’s about the environmentalist mascot epiphany of a country singer’s daughter. At five minutes, the short doesn’t have much opportunity to elaborate, so “Smokey is real” is pretty much the beginning and end of the fire safety instruction. Still, it’s a nice song, sung by a man with a nice voice.

For mockery purposes, the quasi-religious reverence offered to a man in a bear suit is a comedy gold mine. Not to mention the fact that most of Vaughn’s family is hideously ugly. When Vaughn introduces his wife, Kevin says, “Played here by the corpse of my grandmother.” Mike notes that they need more sun “to stop resembling the Vampire Council from Twilight.” As the Smokey song continues to the end, Bill says, “Keep singing! Smokey demands your constant tribute!” It’s quite short even for a short film, but it packs a lot of ridiculousness per second.

Rifftrax 111 to 120

2011-02-28T14:24:00.002-08:00

R111 The Karate Kid, Part III

R112 Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

R113 To be announced

R114 To be announced

R115 To be announced

R116 To be announced

R117 To be announced

R118 To be announced

R119 To be announced

R120 To be announced

Comments will be added upon completion of this section.

R120

2011-02-28T14:24:00.001-08:00

To be announced.

R119

2011-02-28T14:24:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

R118

2011-02-28T14:23:00.002-08:00

To be announced.

R117

2011-02-28T14:23:00.001-08:00

To be announced.

R116

2011-02-28T14:23:00.000-08:00

To be announced.

R115

2011-02-28T14:22:00.002-08:00

To be announced.

R114

2011-02-28T14:22:00.001-08:00

To be announced.

R113

2011-02-28T14:22:00.000-08:00

To be announced.

R112 Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

2011-02-28T14:21:00.000-08:00

(1982, SciFi, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

He’s getting too old for this ship.

Rating: ***1/2

In a Nutshell:

Kirk assumes the role of White Whale in Star Trek’s adaptation of Moby Dick.

Summary:

James T. Kirk (William Shatner) has retired from starship captaining to run training exercises for new recruits with his old buddies Spock (Leonard Nimoy), Bones (DeForest Kelley)... aw hell, you know who all they are. Early scenes are divided between Kirk’s dissatisfaction with his advancing age and his inspiration of cautious awe in the recruits.

While Kirk and friends supervise a training voyage of the newly rebuilt Enterprise, former crewmember Chekov (Walter Koenig) and his new captain cruise the galaxy seeking lifeless planets on which to test an experimental terraforming device called Project Genesis. In an enormous and mostly lifeless galaxy you’d think that wouldn’t be hard, but apparently just about every planet they find has some sort of developing microorganism on it. Their latest potential testing ground has unclear readings, so they head down to the surface to investigate.

On the surface they discover a group of semi-human warriors exiled by Kirk in an original series episode. They were apparently supposed to “live long and prosper” while stranded on a garden planet, but their nearest celestial neighbor exploded and scorched their world barren. Upset with Kirk for not coming to check on them, warlord Khan (Ricardo Montalban) drops mind control slugs into the ears of Chekov and the captain so that he can take over their ship. While he’s escaping, he learns about Project Genesis and realizes its potential as a weapon. While creating new life, it wipes out all prior life on a planet for raw materials. Mind-controlled Chekov calls up Carol Markus (Bibi Besch), the scientist in charge of the project, and orders her to turn over all materials to his ship.

Like many of the other women in the galaxy, Carol is one of Kirk’s ex-lovers. She’s incensed that he would do such a thing and gets off a garbled message to Kirk before Khan jams her space station’s ability to call for help. With Star Fleet’s blessing, Kirk assumes command of the Enterprise and takes his shipload of trainees to investigate. Upon arrival, a confrontation with Khan’s hijacked vessel cripples both ships.

The Enterprise disentangles itself and limps toward the Genesis headquarters. On board they find most of the scientists slaughtered while Carol and a few others fled with the Genesis Device. They discover a shaken up Chekov and his captain. After some transporter technobabble and a message to the Enterprise ordering them to run for help, Kirk and friends follow Carol, beaming themselves to the center of a nearby planet.

Reunited within the planet, Kirk and Carol clear up misunderstandings while Khan assumes control of Chekov and the captain. When ordered to kill Kirk, the captain resists and kills himself while Chekov merely faints. Apparently disgusted by its host’s extreme wussiness, the mind-control slug exits Chekov’s ear canal where it can easily be incinerated by phaser fire. Having located the Genesis device, Khan beams it aboard his ship, taunting Kirk while he strands him in the middle of an unknown planet.

After a bit more exposition, Kirk calls up the Enterprise, which did not run for help per his earlier coded message. They beam aboard and taunt Khan into pursuing them into a nebula, which will make sure everyone’s firing blind for some reason? They win the subsequent blindfolded shootout, but Khan activates the Genesis Device before he dies. Realizing that the device will create a new world out of the nebula’s materials (which now includes the Enterprise) Kirk attempts to flee, but his badly damaged power core can’t make the jump to light speed. Spock descends into the irradiated engineering bay and replaces it manually, sacrificing his life so the Enterprise can escape. After a solemn funeral, the crew jettisons Spock into space. His space coffin lands on the newly formed garden world created by the Genesis Device.

Thoughts:

Sure, it’s riddled with plot holes, subtle as a pickaxe and goofier than a clown school full of seventh graders, but Wrath of Khan is still my favorite original cast Star Trek movie by a very wide margin. I know I’m not alone in this. Why? Note that the first sentence of this paragraph does not include such phrases as “weighted with imaginary space politics,” “impressed with its own cleverness” or “heavily invested in a ludicrous moral message”—phrases that apply to nearly every other film in the series. It’s nice to see that, at one point, Star Trek knew how to riff on the literary classics without getting delusions of grandeur.

Ah, the simple pleasures of well-paced space opera, a broad melodrama filled with noble heroes, maidens in peril, ludicrous coincidences and mustache-twirling villains. And speaking of villains, that’s Ricardo Montalban acting his little heart out as the most delicious Star Trek villain of all time: an elderly man with bare, glistening pectorals, delivering every obsessive, semi-literary nugget of nonsense with the rich, velvet accent of Zorro. We’d never seen anything like it before. Given that this particular combination of attributes would have been unspeakably horrible if attempted by another, we'll never see anything like it again.

Of note: it’s only the second movie and the original cast is already complaining that they’re “too old for this.” Subsequent filmmakers should have taken the hint.

A few favorite comments: When Bones arrives at Kirk’s apartment to give him reading glasses for his birthday, Bill adds, “I also brought you a hernia truss and adult diapers.” While Kirk openly leers at the younger, shapelier trainees, Kevin says, “Perving on the crew is part of the prime directive.” When Khan puffs out his gleaming bosoms for the eighty-ninth time, Mike demands, “Would someone get him a bra?” The movie’s already silly, lightweight fun, and the addition of the commentary makes it sillier, lighter and more fun.

R111 The Karate Kid, Part III

2011-02-28T14:20:00.000-08:00

(1989, Action/Drama, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Perrrrrrrrrfect

Rating: ***

In a Nutshell:

Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi fend off attempts at vengeance and open a bonsai shop.

Summary:

Having won a karate tournament in the first movie and studied martial arts in Okinawa in the second, Daniel-san (Ralph Macchio) and Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) return to the United States. Daniel-san’s mom is caring for a dying uncle, forcing him to stay with Mr. Miyagi a while longer.

Subplot number one involves Daniel-san blowing all his college money on a broken-down storefront in a bad part of town so he can open a bonsai shop with Miyagi. There’s some tripe here about a supervaluable bonsai that gets broken and then is healed because the root is strong, hammered home many times as a metaphor for Daniel-san’s non-crisis of karate faith. The subplot peters out without going anywhere.

Subplot number two involves the pottery girl next door. She’s in a committed relationship with someone else but pals around with Daniel anyway. She occupies cinematic space serving no real purpose until it’s time to go home to her real boyfriend twenty minutes before the end. During the climactic tournament battle she reappears in the crowd to give our hero strength in his most desperate hour... Um, okay, no she doesn’t. Having forgotten all about her, the movie ends without resolving this subplot either.

Somewhere in the middle of subplots one and two, the main plot struggles off the ground. It seems that prior villain John Kreese (Martin Kove) is still smarting from his defeat two movies ago. He runs crying to his evil karate master Terry Silver (Thomas Ian Griffith). Silver hires an anti-Karate Kid named Barnes (Sean Kanan) to defeat Daniel-san in the tournament. At Miyagi’s suggestion, Daniel-san refuses to sign up for the tournament at first, changing his mind only after Barnes uses a series of strong-arm tactics that would get any real-world perpetrator locked up without bail.

Disappointed, Miyagi refuses to train Daniel-san for the tournament. Sensing his opportunity, the improbably villainous Silver feigns friendship, offering a sympathetic ear to Daniel-san’s troubles. Daniel-san trains with Silver in secret, learning secret karate techniques such as punching and kicking. Eventually Daniel-san learns the error of his ways through Miyagi’s patient teachings and visits Silver to try and withdraw from the tournament. Silver cackles wildly and reveals his collaboration with Kreese and Barnes. They beat up on Daniel-san for a while, until Miyagi strolls in and thoroughly trounces all three. For some reason, this makes them all cackle more.

At the tournament, Barnes keeps the score even while inflicting as much pain and humiliation on Daniel-san as possible. Does he use tactics that would get any real-world athlete disqualified and barred from future competition forever? He does indeed. Daniel-san takes the beating until the end, when he remembers enough of his training to land a punch and win the match.

Thoughts:

I usually remember the horrible films of the eighties with affection. Up until recently, for instance, Highlander stood out in my memory as wicked awesome, or eighties slang to that effect. Karate Kid III held no such nostalgia for me. Odd, considering it had karate in it. For my indiscriminate high school self, that was usually enough.

Now that I’ve seen it again, of course, the mystery is solved. The answer: there is almost no karate in it. Six or seven minutes maybe? The other ninety-plus minutes are pretty much worthless, but that’s to be expected from the second sequel to anything, especially a popular teen fantasy that was of suspect quality to begin with. If the ratio of karate to non-karate were significantly higher, Teen Me probably would have loved it.

Modern Me would have noticed other things. He would have complained that the little bit of karate we actually got to see really, really sucked. He would have pointed out that the movie should have ended after the first rock climbing scene, with Barnes and cronies incarcerated for attempted murder. He would have noted that the movie’s refusal to clarify Miyagi’s initial objections to the tournament made his subsequent change of heart kind of meaningless. He would have cringed while Macchio vomited inane babble like a primordial Shia LeBeouf.

It has Ian Michael Griffin in it though, so that’s something. His gleefully wicked Terry Silver will be forever enshrined in the pantheon of Happiest Villains Ever. (“I wish I loved anything as much as he loves being evil,” says Kevin.) In looks and mannerisms, he reminds me a lot of a post-glasses-and-mustache “Weird” Al Yankovic. I have a feeling, however, that even Mr. Yankovic would have not played it that far over the top.

A few favorite comments: When Daniel-san asks Miyagi if he wants to open a bonsai shop, Kevin asks, “Do I look like an elderly lesbian from Vermont?” While Daniel-san and pottery girl stumble over their meet cute, Mike says, “It’s like watching lobotomized kittens flirt.” When Daniel-san can’t stop repeating himself, Bill speculates, “Johnny Two-Times was his father.” The commentary is fast and witty, but only partially makes up for the fact that this is a dull, meaningless little karate film with no karate in it.

ProNOUNciation

2011-02-24T14:46:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Improve Your Pronunciation would like you to know that people who aren't from the same part of the country as you are stupid. It would also like you to know that if you aren't from the same part of the country as it is, you are also stupid. Though it isn't explicitly stated, one can probably infer that foreigners are the stupidest of the lot. Stupid foreigners and their stupid accents... ...grumble, grumble...

What was I talking about again? Oh yes, Improve Your Pronunciation. The review has been posted here.

Harry Potter and the Video Cliff Notes Version of the Franchise

2011-02-23T16:33:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

The Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix review has been posted, with the Rifftrax and the movie rated Pretty Good and Actually Not That Bad, respectively. A Harry Potter riff has pretty much always been good times; the only surprise here is that the movie isn't as incomprehensible as the last three.

Also, it appears that Birdemic: Shock and Terror is something of a specialty purchase. You can't just stroll into a store to buy or rent it; the DVD must be ordered and shipped. This will probaby delay my review a bit. Just a heads up.

You Will Believe a Bird Can Fly

2011-02-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

My Order of the Phoenix review is in process and will probably get posted tomorrow, with a Pronunciation review the day after that. In the meantime, please download and enjoy the riff of Birdemic: Shock and Terror, that timeless classic starring Rod Taylor. Grab it here.

Pronunununciation

2011-02-18T18:16:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Rifftrax fills out their burst of productivity with a Friday short, called Improve Your Pronunciation. I'd get right on that if I were you.

RVOD152 The ABC of Walking Wisely

2011-02-17T15:43:00.000-08:00

(1959, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

How are they any different from the G, I and K walkers?

Rating: **1/2

In a Nutshell:

Don’t run into the street or accept rides from strangers.

Summary:

A narrator runs us through different kinds of walking children. She starts sat “J”, who doesn’t use the crosswalk. Also, there’s “G”, who doesn’t pay attention while he’s not using the crosswalk. “I” doesn’t pay attention in a slightly more self-absorbed manner while not using the crosswalk. “K” goofs off while not using the crosswalk. “Y” tries to hitchhike with one hand and flips off his friends with the other, while not using the crosswalk. X is dead because he did not use the crosswalk. Really, the only kind of walker to be is an “A” walker, which seems to involve using crosswalks. And installing a bar between your knees.

Thoughts:

We just covered this territory a few shorts back in the much funnier (and far less helpful) Walking to School. The ABC of Walking Wisely has the same basic advice, and doesn’t hesitate to repeat it endlessly while pretending it’s different each time. As an educational film, I found it more instructive if only because it doesn’t try to soften the potential dangers of running into the street or getting into a stranger’s car. As an entertainment product, it’s quite a bit duller.

A few favorite comments: When the narrator instructs us not to look up or to the side while walking, Bill adds, “Gaze forever downwards; the world around holds nothing for you.” Several letters in, Mike says, “Just then, they’re crushed by AT-AT walkers.” After we’ve seen the same couple of kids walk through the same landscape several times, Kevin says, “Bob and Betty, with only 488 laps left to go...” The riff/short combination was okay, but not as funny as the previous walking short. I’m not sure if I felt that way because it was less funny, or because I felt like I’d seen it before.

Shock and Terror: They're Cops

2011-02-16T13:19:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

A date has been set for the next Rifftrax: on February 22, 2011 we will all be subjected to Mike, Bill and Kevin's take on Birdemic: Shock and Terror. Experts predict it will unseat The Room from the Throne of Uncomfortable Awfulness. We shall see.

Riding a Magic Train to School

2011-02-15T12:53:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

The Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix riff has been released, so head on down and grab it. If I remember correctly, this one is shorter than its predecessor, but is based on a longer book. Jumbled, incomprehensible hilarity ensues. Either that or oppression and soul-crushing despair. It's one of those, I'm sure. Good times.

Also, here's my review of Walking to School, in which children walk (are you ready for this?) to school. Of particular note is the part where the narrator cautions children not to accept rides from strangers because "they might be poor drivers". Wandering unaccompanied into a dark tunnel is okay, though.

RVOD151 Basic Job Skills: Dealing With Customers

2011-02-15T09:31:00.000-08:00

(1970s-ish, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

We’ve proven mathematically that you have the ugliest shirt/tie combination possible.

Rating: **

In a Nutshell:

If you work with customers, then you work with customers.

Summary:

Similar to the prior short riffed in this series, the ubernarrator introduces three undernarrators. These include the bland motorcycle salesman, the ditzy kennel attendant and the spherically coiffed TV station receptionist. Each of them didn’t think they dealt with customers, until one day they realized that they, in fact, do. The short goes over how to deal with customers, such as how to speak with... um, no; it doesn’t address that at all, actually. When a customer asks you for something, you should... er... Well, if a customer is angry you should, uh, make someone else deal with them? The takeaway here is that customers exist, and if you have a job, you probably deal with them in some fashion.

Thoughts:

Okay, so the Basic Job Skills series has returned, and this time the message seems to be: “If you deal with customers, you should deal with customers.” Let me be the first to welcome you back to Tautology Theater.

The kennel lady didn’t think she dealt with customers? Who did she think those people dropping off their dogs were? The motorcycle salesman didn’t either? The motorcycle salesman didn’t think he dealt with customers? I bet the word “commission” utterly mystifies him every time it accidentally appears on his paycheck. Of the three examples depicted, only the round-haired black lady seems to know what she’s doing.

A few favorite comments: The first time the kennel attendant favors the camera with her glazed stare and says something vague, Kevin says, “I haven’t the faintest grip on reality.” While she describes her job, Mike says, “The Baja Men have a pressing question to ask you.” As another customer approaches a counter, Bill says, “I’m trying to turn into a human egg. Can you help me?” Unfortunately, this vague, muddy short has nothing to say, and rather than elevating the proceedings with its humor, the commentary seems to drown in the vagueness.

Rifftrax Video on Demand 141 to date

2011-02-15T08:57:00.000-08:00

RVOD141 Unto the Least of These

RVOD142 Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

RVOD143 Santa Claus' Punch and Judy

RVOD144 Courtesy: A Good Eggsample

RVOD145 The Being On Time Game

RVOD146 Basic Job Skills: Handling Daily Problems

RVOD147 Courtesy Counts a Lot!

RVOD148 Remember Me

RVOD149 Walking to School

RVOD150 Improve Your Pronunciation

RVOD151 Basic Job Skills: Dealing With Customers

RVOD152 The ABC of Walking Wisely

RVOD153 Vision in the Forest

The real standout here is that full-length Christmas theme park special, Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. The review is in the regular Rifftrax section, but since it's only available as Video On Demand, it seemed appropriate to mention it here as well. Shorts-wise, the best of this lot are a pair of animated courtesy films, A Good Eggsample and Courtesy Counts a Lot. Santa Claus' Punch and Judy and Unto the Least of These also deserve special mention, for horrible child-friendly racism and flagrant misappropriation of tax dollars, respectively. A handful of job training shorts rounds this section out, but are perhaps better avoided; shorts that aren't condescending and insane don't seem to bear riffing well.

Schooling to Walk

2011-02-11T17:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

New Rifftrax short today, called Walking to School. Hard to say what it'll be about. Grab it here.

Added to my Dark List of Pain

2011-02-10T15:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Remember Me introduces us to a man known only as The Customer. His superpower: internalize life's every small injustice until his resentment builds to towering, slow-motion rage. And bad reviews for auto mechanics. That too.

Aside from that he might be the blandest, most forgettable man in history. Review here.

"Elephants"

2011-02-08T16:37:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

What I learned from Inception.

1) Leo DiCaprio's a lot easier to take seriously now that he no longer looks like a giant baby.
2) Christopher Nolan's films aren't especially riffable.

The riff and the film are both great tastes, but they don't quite taste great together. Maybe the guys will prove this thesis wrong next week with a gut-busting send-up of The Machinist, but I doubt it. Review here.

Also, new short! This one's a customer service training film called Remember Me and, heaven help me, I think I remember it. The screenshot they used in the graphic caused painful flashbacks to the beginning of my very short career at the Sears customer service center. I'll find out tonight if I'm right. Grab it here.

I Suspect Blue Pills Are Involved

2011-02-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Inception depicts a dystopian future in which a cruel machine race suspends humankind in a perpetual dream while using their body heat as... Okay, I haven't seen Inception yet. But look at those posters. C'mon!

The Inception riff has been released. Grab it here.

RVOD150 Improve Your Pronunciation

2011-01-31T18:20:00.000-08:00

(1970s-ish, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

It’s amazing how little I care.

Rating: ***

In a Nutshell:

The title is summary enough.

Summary:

Fabulous seventies teens gather on a fabulous seventies game show set to correct each other’s common mispronunciations. The fake-ly named Ned Blandford moderates, while jumping in with the occasional correction of his own.

Thoughts:

Is it just me, or is a lot of this short’s advice overly prescriptivist? About half of the supposed wrong pronunciations have to do with regional dialects: that is, they’re considered correct where they’re most widely used. Who are these kids to say otherwise?

Q: Is it entertaining? A: It’s a bunch of teenagers correcting each other’s diction for ten minutes. Yeah, it’s dull and pedantic, no surprise there. The surprise is that it’s not actually coma-inducing, maybe because the kids on display are so self-consciously stilted, imbuing the proceedings with a measure of camp. I guess that’s what perfect pronunciation does for you.

A few favorite comments: While Blandford draws tenuous connections between shyness and poor diction, Bill further extrapolates, “People become typesetters because they hate onions.” As the mispronunciations get more and more ridiculous, Mike says, “Next they get ‘money’ and pronounce it as ‘hedgehog’.” Near the end, Kevin sums up the experience with, “This is like Sesame Street if they replaced the Muppets with ugly people.” Usually they have a vicious barb or two for the latest contestant to mess up a word. Despite the dull subject matter it’s a good, solid, middle-of-the road riff.

Further Adventures in Rifftraxery

2011-01-31T11:14:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

This thread (and embedded video) announces the three Rifftrax to come, er, after the two that were announced previously.

First we have Highlander, in which Freddy Mercury wails while immortal Europeans slice off each others' heads.

Second, Karate Kid 3, in which they remake the first one in Okinawa--wait, that was Karate Kid 2. Number three was when they remade the second one using the first one's setting.

Thirdly, Birdemic, currently a legend in internet/film convention circles. It possesses a formidable, Room-esque reputation.

One would assume they're listed in order of release, but I'll hold off adding them to the guide until actual release dates are announced. Inception riff coming tomorrow, kids!

Who Forgot? I Did Not!

2011-01-20T15:16:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

The latest insane courtesy short, Courtesy Counts a Lot, is just about insane as they come. Did you know that courtesy can save you from witches, ballooning accidents and angry lepidopterists? Neither did I. Review here.

I Am a Terrible Fanboy

2011-01-18T16:44:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Yes, it's true. I'll turn in my fanboy badge at the local chapterhouse. Just look at all the things I've missed:

1) Rifftrax Live in San Francisco on Thursday. Mike won't be there, but Kevin and Bill will, along with special guests Paul F. Tompkins, Adam Savage, Maria Bamford, Janet Varney and Cole Stratton. I won't be going because of the late notice. (i.e. It was too late for me to arrange a trip down there by the time I noticed.) But maybe you can! Check it out here.

2) This video, posted last Thursday, announcing the first new full-length Rifftrax of 2011--Inception on Febrary 1 and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on February 15. Also, two new DVD shorts collections on January 25, 2011. I guess they're Pooping Monkey-approved?

3) A new short, released today. It's called Courtesy Counts a Lot, and it looks like more hallucinogenic animated manners mayhem. Grab it here.

Self-Evident Platitudes: The Movie

2011-01-13T16:27:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Basic Job Skills: Handling Daily Problems advises workers with problems to handle them, which I guess fulfills its mandate in a Minimum Requirements kind of way. If the rest of the shorts in the series are like this, I recommend changing the title to Wonderful World of Tautologies. Review here.

Vivan Las Ranas!

2011-01-12T14:37:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

The Being On Game is, appropriately enough, about being on time. The unexpected twist comes at the end, when you find out there isn't a game. Not even an attempt to dress something up as one. Just a boring bit of common sense advice.

There are also, sadly, no mariachi frogs. In this installment of the award-winning* Routine Daily Task Game series, Mr. Mack's workshop features large posters of insane clowns. Review here.

---------------------------
*May not actually be true.

RVOD149 Walking to School

2011-01-11T16:56:00.000-08:00

(1950s-ish, Educational/Short, b&w)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

It’s like walking, but to school!

Rating: ***1/2

In a Nutshell:

Two kids, um, ambulate to a local educational institution.

Summary:

Lots of children walk to school. They do it all over the world, except in places where they ski, row and/or ride burros instead.

In 1950s America, an eight-year-old boy and his six-year-old sister join hands and walk to school. They are careful to pause before every blind corner and wait for a fresh green light every time they have to cross the street. Where the sidewalk dips below the road, they descend through the tunnel. Where it rises above, they cross the pedestrian bridge. When it disappears, they balance on the curb. They do not accept rides from strangers.

Very, very, very eventually, the kids arrive at school. The narrator retraces their steps to go over all the rules of walking-to-school safety one more time.

Thoughts:

Walking to School is either dangerously naïve or the product of more innocent times. Probably both, actually. It’s a very special kind of film that makes small children traverse a densely populated urban landscape including four lane thoroughfares, sidewalk-less underpasses and narrow pedestrian tunnels without supervision. It also warns them to not accept rides with strangers because (I kid you not) “they might be poor drivers”.

A few favorite comments: During the multicultural introduction, Mike notes, “All around the world, people travel by stereotype.” As the kids stop at their fifth blind corner before using their third crosswalk, Kevin says, “Meanwhile, their classmates finish lunch.” At one point, Bill has to emphasize one of the narrator’s admonishments. “Wander into tunnels, kids,” he says. “You MUST use them.” The short is simple and tedious with the occasional bit of outrageously bad advice, but the riffers fill the spaces well, and never let it get boring.

Alternate Title: When Coworkers Attack

2011-01-11T13:51:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Instead of their usual schoolchildren-centric short, today's Rifftrax is aimed squarely at working stiffs like me and, I assume, you. Head on down and grab Basic Job Skills: Handling Daily Problems.

So, yeah. With flus and year-end worklists out of the way, I should probably get to clearing out that review backlog. Here's the first review. It's for Courtesy: A Good Eggsample, the first children's short ever (as far as I know) to feature graphic egg puppet evisceration.

RVOD148 Remember Me

2011-01-10T16:29:00.000-08:00

(1980s-ish, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

He has a femur collection, doesn’t he?

Rating: ***

In a Nutshell:

Various service representatives ignore, harass and otherwise mistreat a customer.

Summary:

Nondescript Guy is a regular customer at his bank, grocery store, garage, etc., but no one remembers him. The teller always checks his signature. The mechanic never gets his car done on time. The checker closes her line and walks away, even though he’s been standing there waiting for several minutes.

It’s like this at work too. The copy repairman is always several days late, and then doesn’t finish fixing the problem for days after that. When Nondescript Guy points this out, the repairman blows him off like it’s no big deal. When he travels, Nondescript Guy has his auto reservation misplaced, his hotel clerk refuses to serve breakfast, and then the airline ruins his luggage. Nondescript Guy finally snaps, letting out his fury with a slow-motion roar at the baggage carousel. No one pays much attention.

Nondescript Guy gets the last laugh, though, badmouthing his inattentive mechanic to another random guy at the gas station. The random guy thanks him and drives off. Afterwards, Non Descript Guy rewards an attentive gas station attendant with an oil change appointment.

Thoughts:

I saw Remember Me near the beginning of my brief and inauspicious career as a Customer Service Representative at a Sears Call Center. MST3K was still on the air at the time. I had just become a fan, so when Non Descript Guy finally let out his yell of slo-mo frustration, I couldn’t help but remark, “This is when he becomes The Incredible Hulk.” A few people chuckled. I don’t think the trainer was one of them.

Sears did its best to train us well in the ways of customer pleasin’ actually. To bad they never gave us any authority to do so. If you’re only allowed to say “no”, a customer will find your sympathetic tone small comfort. It felt a bit like being trained with body armor and rifles, only to be dropped on the battlefield with a loincloth and a length of string.

So yeah, the short. People can’t remember Nondescript Guy? I find that hard to believe. He’s just so memorable, with his average looks and his quiet demeanor, his inward promises to never forget every tiny injustice... I can’t believe I didn’t see the rather creepy undertones the first time I saw this, actually. He’s got “belltower sniper” written all over him. Any halfway decent customer service rep would have been eyeing him nervously every time he walked through the door.

A few favorite comments: When Nondescript Guy reluctantly shows the teller his driver’s license, Kevin says, “Your name is Dogballs McQuack?” When he says doesn’t always complain, Mike adds, “I just add them to my dark list of pain.” When he declares that “All banks are the same,” Bill says, “Except the ones run by nudists.” In the end, the commentary keeps pace with the short, but Nondescript Guy is pretty nondescript despite his sociopathic tendencies.

I Hope It Has the Mariachi Frogs

2011-01-05T09:45:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Rifftrax continues another educational short series with The Being On Time Game. Grab it here. The new year has buried me in work and viruses, so I'll review it, along with the previous short, just as soon as I can.

Do You Guys See It Too?

2010-12-29T13:20:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

A new Rifftrax short was released last night. I think it was, anyway. I'm currently held upright by a cocktail of caffeine and cold medicine, so I'm not the most reliable arbiter of reality vs. fantasy right now. The graphic provided seems to depict an egg in a bow tie next to an egg in an apron, leading me to believe that this may be some sort of hallucinatory residual of last night's fever dream. If it is, I apologize for wasting your time. If it isn't, please head down to the Rifftrax site and check out Courtesy: A Good Eggsample.

It Would Have Been an A-List Title in the Mid-Nineties

2010-12-28T13:25:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

A mild flu made this Christmas fairly mellow, as everyone just sort of hung around the house lightly coughing and playing with their new toys. This block of unexpected free time has worked in your favor, producing this review for Darkstar: The Interactive Movie. Long story short: fun game, old technology.

Please note that the review has been moved to the Miscellaneous One-Offs section.

Also, a certain Mr. Wade has asked me to point you towards his site, where he creates and sells old-fashioned illustrations based on MST3K films. The posters advertising the Great Vorelli are particularly enticing.

I Should Have Waited Until Today

2010-12-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Those of you who failed to act on my earlier tip are now being rewarded for your forbearance. Strategy First's current sale eclipses their old one in terms of discount. From now until January fourth of next year, the coupon code "STRATEGYGAMER" will knock 50% off the price of any title in their inventory. That'll net you Darkstar for about fifteen bucks.

Should you buy Darkstar? The holiday season makes many demands on my time, so I probably won't finish it for another few weeks. But, since I seem to be shilling it every few days anyway, I suppose I ought to give you my impressions thus far. Check them out after the cut.

Pre-review based on two to three hours in the game:

It's a slow-paced adventure game in the style of Myst, set on a drifting starship. The story hook is trite (the main character has amnesia; we've never seen that before) but once you get into it, it’s absorbingly told. Clive Robertson performs player avatar John O’Neill like someone who’s been asleep for years and can’t quite wake up all the way, which is about as engaging as it sounds. All the other major parts have been cast with MST3K alumni, though, and these people are highly entertaining. The best so far includes Frank Conniff as SIMON the robot, who tends to show up and help you with puzzles after you’ve already solved them. Also, Trace Beaulieu as the missing first mate, who’s either your best friend or worst enemy, depending on how you interpret the clues thus far. J. Elvis Weinstein shows up in archive footage as the captain of a previous expedition, meeting certain doom with admirable nonchalant professionalism.

Puzzles are occasionally obtuse but always logical. Example: use of a scanner will show you which buttons on the security keypad opened it previously, but you have to trial-and-error your way through various combinations of them before you stumble on the right code by accident. The ship’s interfaces aren’t needlessly elaborate. Once you figure out which button does what, programming the systems to do what you want them to do is fairly straightforward. I like the fact that once you’ve found a switch (not always an easy task) often all you have to do is flip it.

Art design is gorgeous, well-detailed and full of objects you can interact with. I sometimes find myself wondering why a starship would need marble columns, original works of art with display lighting, sumptuous chaise lounges, wooden chests with puzzle locks, twisting secret passages and so forth, but hey, it makes for a fascinating exploration experience. In an adventure game that’s more important than realism.

Unfortunately, this beautiful game is rendered by ancient, wheezing technology that crashes at least once an hour, resizing my desktop to 1024x768 every time. The user interface is ugly, sluggish, unintuitive and in all other ways horrible. The icon for moving forward is the same as the one for interacting with objects, which makes the genre-required pixel-hunting more difficult than it needs to be. I figured out the interface after a while, but it remains inelegant and cumbersome, like trying to drive a luxury sedan with a hand crank instead of a steering wheel.

I find this extremely odd. Why is manipulating the spaceship easier and more fun than manipulating the person who’s manipulating the spaceship?

Bottom line: Beautiful, well-designed, old-school adventure game buried under obsolete technology and a bad user interface. So-so performance by the lead. Great performances from the supporting cast.

RVOD147 Courtesy Counts a Lot!

2010-12-21T16:37:00.000-08:00

(1976, Educational/Short/Animation/Children, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Good! Fresh nightmare fuel. I was running kinda low.

Rating: ***1/2

In a Nutshell:

Oddly animated creatures demonstrate the value of courtesy.

Summary:

Kids queue up in a public building of some sort (school? museum? superior court?) waiting for their turn at a hand-cranked nickelodeon. The kid in front cranks away, taking his own sweet time until a larger boy becomes impatient and pulls him away from the viewer. They do not appear to have adult supervision of any kind, so no one does it anything about it. The bully puts his face to the viewer and starts a-crankin’

Roll the opening credits, accompanied by a tuneless courtesy-themed song that will be repeated many, many times. What should you do when your hot air balloon crashes into palm tree and you’re rescued by a cartoon giraffe? Thank it politely, of course. “Who forgot?” a chorus of children sing, “I did not! Courtesy counts a lot!” What should you do if you’re hunting butterflies deep in the trackless jungle, and you accidentally whack a rival lepidopterist with your net? Apologize immediately, of course. “Who forgot? I did not!” the children sing. What should you do if you’re a clown, so absorbed in your clown magazine that you ignore the terrified stampede of jungle animals going the other way, walking right into the chest-high toe of a fearsome giant? Say, “Please excuse me,” of course. The children repeat their all-too-familiar chorus. What should you do if you’re at a psychedelic concert of rose-colored anthropomorphic feline jazz musicians, and you’re really diggin’ the scene and groovin’ to the sound, baby, flailing around with your arms and legs until you accidentally punch a fellow concert-goer in the face, causing a humorous timpani sound effect? What’s that, child chorus? There’s a courteous, tension-resolving remark for this situation as well? You don’t say.

The bully looks up from the viewer, which has been occupying for nearly the entire running time of this eleven-minute short. Remembering the lessons of the child chorus in the nickelodeon, he apologizes to the patient but irritated crowd of children behind him. They forgive him instantly.

Thoughts:

I know I’ve missed a couple of the hypothetical situations in the summary above. I seem to recall something about a kid watching opera on TV while apologizing to a fly. And wasn’t there something about a fight between a cloud and the sun? And some sort of witch maybe? It made no sense at all, which is probably why it mostly fell out of my memory. But if that’s the reason, why do I remember any of this animated nonsense barrage?

I’ll give it this much though, the short gets its message across. “Who forgot? I did not! Courtesy counts a lot!” It counts so much that it absolves all guilt, averting any consequences and obviating the need to take responsibility for one’s actions. Those animated kids probably could have gotten away with bank robbery if they’d said “Please excuse me” after swiping the contents of the vault and shooting three tellers in the head. Someone probably should have mentioned that this only works for very minor infractions. You also have to be adorable and under ten.

A few favorite comments: While children turn the nickelodeon crank, Mike says, “Kids line up for archival footage of the 1889 World’s Fair.” When the title pops up during the opening credits, Kevin says, “Our court-ordered follow-up to ‘Might Makes Right.’” When a sympathetic cloud extinguishes the sun and comes down to rain on a flower at close range, Bill shouts, “Cloud urine!” The short is bizarre but at least it’s focused. A well-timed bit of riffing helps too.

Holiday Rifftrax Review Extravaganza

2010-12-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

I have watched Santa Claus' Punch and Judy (review here), and, uh... The generation that gives us such a hard time about our popular entertainment being vulgar and violent has skeletons in its closet like you wouldn't believe.

I have watched Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (review here), and it seems my previous statement declaring The 'Star Wars' Holiday Special "the funniest Rifftrax recorded" was somewhat premature. I don't know what it is about inept and vividly strange Christmas specials that brings out the best in them, but I'm glad it does. If you haven't seen this already, you need to drop what you're doing and buy it right now.

Santa vs. Bunny vs. Punch vs. Judy

2010-12-17T16:46:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny has been released. Grab it here. In preparation for viewing I've been practicing my suspension of disbelief all day. Fearing that this would not be enough, I've also been suspending my expectations of quality, as well as my desire for traditional narrative. Sometime tonight I'll find out if I should have been suspending more.

Edit: If giant Floridian lagomorphs don't pack enough punch for you in the holiday cheer department, Rifftrax has also released Santa Claus' Punch and Judy, a heartwarming Christmas tale about disturbing puppets that beat each other over the head. Grab it here.

Also, Darkstar has finished downloading. So far I've only fiddled with the settings and, uh, am I wrong, or is the resolution really fixed at 1024x768? What is this, 1999? More later.

Darkstar Coupon Code

2010-12-14T16:55:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Everything at StrategyFirst.com is 20% off if you use the coupon code "GAMER" at checkout. This brings the price of Darkstar down to twenty three dollars and change. I've purchased my copy, and will be downloading/installing it tonight. I'll start plugging my way through it in a couple of days, when I'm finished with Fable III.

Update 12/15/10 with gratuitous Star Wars quote: "Look at the size of that thing." Be warned, the Strategy First download of Darkstar is divided into twenty-two 640MB chunks. I could probably order a physical copy and receive it in the mail before it finishes downloading.

RVOD146 Basic Job Skills: Handling Daily Problems

2010-12-13T13:34:00.000-08:00

(1970s, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Here are the documents instructing you to f--- off.

Rating: ***

In a Nutshell:

People with problems at work should just solve them already.

Summary:

The main narrator—the overnarrator, if you will—introduces us to three sub-narrators, including the X-Ray technician, the restaurant manager and the construction foreman. These three Zen masters of the workplace go about their daily jobs shaking their heads at their hapless coworkers, who just can’t handle the pressure.

The groovy mediators of conflict take their various charges aside and dispense subtle advice. Previously fractured relationships are mended over cafeteria food, bowling and large shapeless piles of wood. Instead of flipping out, disgruntled employees talk to their managers and coworkers, who make everything better. Suddenly, the nurse can get her medicine cabinet filled on time, the junior cook actually gets to cook, and the angry supervisor stops being so angry. Oh, and the bookkeeper who’s so mad about being made a cashier learns to swallow her pride and do it anyway.

Thoughts:

To my mind, the angry supervisor bit best represents the short as a whole. To wit, “If your supervisor is being mean to you, he should probably be nicer.” Like the rest of the advice dispensed, it’s both basically true and entirely unhelpful. The problem lies in the way it tends to see workplaces as kindergartens, i.e. most problems can be solved with a hug and an apology, while the stickier issues can easily be taken to the nearest adult, er, supervisor for correction.

In a real world workplace, everyone’s an adult. This includes supervisors, who are just other adults, possessing the same basic attributes as their subordinates. Far from being easygoing and malleable like children, it turns out adults are prickly, stubborn creatures who know that you don’t know more than they do. Working with them is easiest when you find out where the prickles are and learn to work around them.

A few favorite comments: While motionless people are wheeled through the hospital, Bill identifies one as “another corpse for the grinder.” After describing a lengthy conflict resolution process Kevin, adds, “Then you fight with quarterstaffs.” When we meet the heavily mustached lead chef, Mike asks, “Shouldn’t he be dodging barrels thrown by a monkey?” It’s a heavily idealized short and a decent commentary, worth a look.

Team Harpo

2010-12-09T14:16:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

The Twilight Saga continues to wreak a bloody swath of destruction across the hearts of teenaged females and people of similar temperament. I'd call The Twilight Saga: Eclipse the best of the series thus far, but it would be a ridiculous statement, like talking up my favorite root canal. It implies quality, when all I'm doing is measuring the movies' relative levels of unpleasantness. The Rifftrax is good. Above average, even. At times it's a pity you have to watch the movie while listening to it. Review here.

RVOD145 The Being On Time Game

2010-12-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

(1970s-ish, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

He has the attention span of a goldfish who lives in a bowl of cheap tequila.

Rating: **1/2

In a Nutshell:

The avuncular Mr. Mack returns to teach little Cindy how to be on time.

Summary:

Camp Counselor calls everyone away from the playground to begin the three-legged race, but Cindy figures she can get just a few more swings in before it starts. Naturally, she’s late, leaving her partner high and dry. Later, her mother sends her down to visit Mr. Mack at his shop. She skips there in slow motion, arriving fully ten minutes after five o’clock.

The couplet-spewing Mr. Mack scolds her with many, many variations on the hurry/worry rhyme scheme. He goes over such object lessons as the girl who was late for her own counting contest, and the boy who rushed out to meet his friends on the basketball court, forgetting the ball. Also, what would happen if her dad refused to wake up until he had only five minutes to get to work? Why, he’d eat, dress and bath in hilarious fast motion, still arriving far too late to satisfy his huge, stogie-smoking boss.

To prevent such mishaps, Cindy needs to plan ahead, getting things ready when necessary and starting early where possible. If unforeseen circumstances prevent punctuality, she should have her mother call ahead to let the appropriate parties know.

Thoughts:

The Being On Time Game puts forward the radical notion that if you have to go to that one place to do that one thing, when the time comes perhaps you should not go to that other place and do that other thing instead. It ain’t brain surgery. That’s probably a good thing, as neither Cindy nor Mr. Mack look like brain surgeons.

A few favorite comments: When Cindy refuses to join the race immediately, Bill says, “I’m not getting off this swing until I determine my own gender.” A close-up of a clock in Mr. Mack’s insanely decorated workshop gets us Kevin’s best stoner impersonation, “Time... whoa...” At one point Mike notes, “It’s hard to be on time when you travel solely by slow-motion skipping.” The short has sound, if a bit basic advice, but the rhymes are horrible and that kid always looks like she’s about to fall asleep. It’s dull, is what I’m saying, and the best the riffers can do is make it less dull.

Boom

2010-12-07T13:04:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Unto the Least of These has been released to the general public. If you didn't get it as part of last Friday's live online preview, you can pick it up here. I did attend on Friday, so I've already got one. Here's the review. Wild booming chickens, everyone!

Also, I'm about halfway through a viewing of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. I'll post a review either Thursday or Monday. For right know, I'll just say that I've spent about a third of the time laughing, a third of the time cringing, and the final third doing both at once.

RVOD144 Courtesy: A Good Eggsample

2010-12-07T12:14:00.000-08:00

(1976, Educational/Short/Children/Animation, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Thanks again for the really imaginative name!

Rating: ***

In a Nutshell:

Depicts sentient, stop-motion eggs in bowties.

Summary:

Like a good little egg, sentient egg Eggbert collects the paper from the front lawn and returns it to his egg mother in front of their egg-shaped house before heading off to egg-shaped school in an egg carton school bus.

Sentient egg classmate Benedict, however, is not a good little egg. He shoves others out of the way to cut into line and won’t move over to let people sit by him on the bus. At school he lingers outside after the outdoor flag ceremony and doesn’t make into class in time for the indoor flag ceremony. At recess he steals balls, pushes people out of the way to run up the slide...

He falls off the slide, and runny egg white starts to ooze. The other egg children can only stand around and mock him, glad that the bully has finally gotten his comeuppance. Eggbert, however, gathers him up and takes him to the nurse. After school, Benedict emerges with a bandage over his crack. He tries to cut into the bus line, but Eggbert glares harder than any eyeless object has a right to glare. Chastened, Benedict goes to the back of the line. On the bus, he moves over to let Eggbert sit beside him.

Thoughts:

How about that playground accident? Despite the oddity of this absurdly egg-centric world and the meandering nature of the short, the filmmakers do a halfway decent job establishing the sentient stop-motion eggs as analogs of human beings. So watching one lose that much fluid at once is kind of disturbing. Courtesy is that important, folks! Be nice to people, or no one will help while you’re bleeding your guts out.

A few favorite comments: As Eggbert strolls quietly down the street, Kevin gives him an inner monologue. “Which came first?” he asks, “the chicken or the me?” While multiple flag ceremonies drag on, Mike urges the students, “Remember the egg martyrs who died in the mess kits at Normandy!” Bill notes the odd, noodling music with, “Soundtrack by a ferret on a Casio.” Throughout, the riffers imagine the whole short as a work of Batman villain Egghead. The short is bright, colorful, bizarre, and, sadly, mostly empty. The riffers fill the spaces where they can, and the result is reasonably amusing.

Live Show Cancelled

2010-12-06T15:20:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Looks like the Rifftrax Online Live show scheduled for next Thursday has been cancelled, and considering their server capacity/popularity ratio, that's probably for the best. Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is still on though, to be released as a VOD on December 17th, 2010. I'm looking forward to a hallucinogenic yet lag-free experience.

Also, it looks like Unto the Least of These hasn't been released to anyone but the people who showed up for last Friday's live pre-show, so I'll hold off until its public release before posting a review.

Team Mustache Dad

2010-12-03T13:42:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

The live online announcement/short is over. Traffic has once again all but annihilated the Rifftrax servers, but when I finally managed to load the right page, performance was smooth. The Rifftrax online experience appears to be teetering right on the brink of "functional". One would hope they've got a plan in place to handle the extra bandwidth strain a prime time audience will bring to bear.

Anyway, a disheveled Mike kicked things off by promoting the newly released The Twilight Saga: Eclipse commentary (grab it here) as well as the newly released Maniac DVD (review here). Then he announced the subject of the upcoming live show: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (imdb here). A montage of scenes culled from that film followed, and believe me, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians looks lucid and high-budget by comparison. Then a break, and then the short: Unto the Least of These, which, as you might have guessed, is about wild chicken conservation. A downloadable version ought to become available just as soon as the main Rifftrax site recovers.

Once again: the commentary for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is available now, and tickets for the live online riffing of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny on December 16, 2010 at 6:00 p.m. PST ought to be available shortly.

It's a Busy Day at Rifftrax

2010-12-03T09:18:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Rifftrax's live online preview short happens at 1:00 p.m. today. Get your ticket now, if you haven't already. There'll be an announcement about the 16th's live show, and sometime today the Eclipse commentary ought to be out too. I'll post again later after the 1 p.m. event.

RVOD143 Santa Claus' Punch and Judy

2010-12-02T19:17:00.000-08:00

(1948, Holiday/Children, b&w)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Santa: Giving the gift of domestic violence for Christmas.

Rating: ***

In a Nutshell:

Santa just loves him some good old fashioned racist, misogynist puppetry.

Summary:

Poorly recorded children approach Santa one at a time to petition him for gifts. Santa complies with each request, and in some cases gives even more. One misguided youth, for instance, wants a toy Punch and Judy show. Santa gives him one, and then waves his arms to conjure a full-sized puppet theater into the room. Out pop Punch and Judy!

Punch and Judy are a pair of hideous European hand puppets who beat each other with a stick. This is their only means of communication. Other puppet characters are brought in to liven the proceedings. (Only two are on stage at any given time, for obvious reasons.) Punch and a cat beat each other with a stick. Punch and a monkey beat each other with a stick. Punch narrowly avoids being eaten by an alligator, which then beats him with a stick. Two nameless blackface puppets beat each other with a stick. Judy comes back at the end to raise the olive branch of peace and open lines of communication, fostering mutual understanding and appreciation to begin their relationship anew... Oh wait. My mistake. She beats him with a stick.

Thoughts:

Did children actually like this? With no context or consequences attached to the violence and a lack of alternative entertainments, I’m sure many did, but I would note Kevin’s comment partway through the show: “I hear kids squealing, but I see kids sitting quietly.”

There are many possible nits to pick here, but I probably won’t get to any of them. Why speak of mere nits when there’s an elephant in the room? Of course the violence depicted against blacks and women is nothing short of reprehensible, even when partially obscured by puppet avatars. As metaphorical elephants go, this one is so large even the filmmakers of 1948 seem to sense its shape. I think they’re attempting to get around it by directing the violence almost entirely at Punch, while the blacks only beat up each other. Not that this helps any. The next time some curmudgeonly relative moans about how movies and videogames are so much more violent these days, I think I’ll mention Punch and Judy.

Much of the commentary’s humor has to do with the inappropriateness of the subject matter. Kevin starts us off by calling it, “Sequel to the Ice Cream Bunny’s Amos and Andy.” Bill feigns shock when the black puppets appear. “Minstrel puppet shows are for Easter!” he objects. When Santa magically dismisses them, Mike provides the incantation: “Back to the level of Hell where you reside, suffering the torments that fuel your violent rage.” It’s a good commentary coupled with a well-performed puppet show, but the uncomfortable subject matter both fuels the humor and overshadows it. It’s worth a look if you’re not easily offended.

RVOD142 Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

2010-12-02T17:06:00.000-08:00

Reviewed in the regular Rifftrax section.

Calendar Knuckles

2010-11-29T15:04:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Here's my review of the Rifftrax for The Calendar: How to Use It, the short so remedial, its target audience hasn't been born yet. I've added it to my imaginary Top Ten Shorts list, alongside such greats as One Got Fat, Drugs are Like That and an undetermined number of others. Grab it here, if you haven't already.

Also, Strategy First appears to have gotten its act together and dropped Darkstar's price to a more reasonable $29.99, matching the cost of a boxed copy from the Darkstar Store.

I Hope They've Upgraded to Fire-Proof Servers

2010-11-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

On December 16, 2010 at 6 p.m. PST, Rifftrax is jumping back into the world of live internet broadcasts for their 2010 Christmas show. Unfortunately, I won't be able to watch it, as it has been scheduled on a work day during my commute home. I'll happily attend the live riffing of the show's short subject, which one can attend online for only 99 cents on Friday, December 3 at 1 p.m. The title of the movie they're going to mock on the 16th will be announced at that preview. Get all the details here.

Also, I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my family this year, and thus will be unavailable to the internet until next Monday, which is the earliest the review of The Calendar: How to Use It can be posted. I've already watched it though, and it's one of their best.

Let That Be Your Last Battlefield

2010-11-23T13:37:00.001-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

Rifftrax wonders if you know what day it is. If not, their latest short, The Calendar: How to Use It ought to clear things up for you right away. Or maybe they just wanted to subject us to more aimless folk guitar. Grab it here.

Also, it looks like Darkstar is finally available as a download from Strategy First. Currently, they're charging $39.99, $10 more than what you'd pay for a physical copy from the official Darkstar Store. I've only found one review online thus far, and it's pretty glowing. Of course the reviewer's a die-hard MST3K fan. As far as I can tell, we're the only people Darkstar has been marketed to. I don't pay full price for games on general principle, so I won't be reviewing it until someone has a sale.

(Oh Please Let This Be) The Last Shyamalan Film

2010-11-18T14:57:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

My review of the riff for Shyamalan's latest crime against moviegoers has been posted. The riff is pretty funny, but the movie, well... It's common among creative types to look at a someone else's work and say to yourself, "I could have done that," as if even a bad movie didn't require huge amounts of work and a great deal of skill. In the case of The Last Airbender, though, it might actually be true. Hell, given $150 million and a crew of professionals, my six-year-old daughter could have come up with something more interesting, probably with ponies in it.

RVOD141 Unto the Least of These

2010-11-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

(1970s-ish, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

The most effective method, according to our consultant Wile E. Coyote.

Rating: ***

In a Nutshell:

Texas conservationists go to way too much effort to rescue wild chickens.

Summary:

Wild prairie chickens boom their way through the booming outskirts of Houston. Planes boom to and from their destinations at the local airport, located right in the middle of the chickens’ traditional booming grounds. (Yes, the narrator really talks like that.) Lacking even the most basic of survival instincts, this ultrarare breed of poultry refuses to flee—more than just an annoyance, as chickens and jet engines in close proximity tend to destroy one another. There is only one possible solution: attach a huge net to the front of a helicopter and scoop up the errant birds one by one. The chickens get packed into lasagna boxes and airlifted to a storm-devastated bit of countryside that no one else seems to want. Because of St. Matthew, I guess.

Thoughts:

The lasagna boxes show that at least someone was thinking frugally, but I bet I could have saved the state at least five million more dollars by swapping the helicopter and private plane for a dart gun and pickup truck, respectively. The fuel costs for this operation alone must have been staggering.

Except for the odd bit of “booming” nonsense, the short starts off pretty boring. I got kind of antsy after the first few minutes content-free narration, but then they bolted an enormous butterfly net to the front of a helicopter, and I couldn’t stop laughing. Seriously? A state agency spent taxpayer money to do this? Guys, I work for a state agency, and uh, wow... I’ve never been in a position to do something like this, but let’s say I did. Let’s say I had access to state funds, a reasonable amount of authority, a lack of immediate supervision and a directive to save some wild chickens. Now let’s say I went on to spend even more state money to make a film obliquely extolling my Rube Goldberg-esque plan as the will of the Almighty. I would get called into someone’s office. I would have some splainin’ to do.

A few favorite comments: While the net/helicopter combo zooms just a few feet off the ground, Kevin says, “I’m pretty sure a cartoon dog catcher could do this in less time.” The narrator reveals that the relocation area has been devastated by several consecutive natural disasters, and Bill adds, “It’s not a plan we’ve thought through. At all. At any phase.” When the narrator warns that these chickens might become extinct by the year 2000, Mike adds, “Don’t get your hopes up; they’re not.” It’s a dull, dry, staid little short, depicting serious men doing things that must have seemed like a good idea to their five-year-old children at the time. With the commentary, it thankfully ends up with more hilarity than boredom.

Time to Bend Some Air

2010-11-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

As predicted, a riff for The Last Airbender has been released. So has the movie, by the way, but that's not nearly as worthy of celebration. I'll be watching it tonight, no thanks to Blockbuster, which apparently doesn't get movies on their release dates anymore. Grab it here.

Hail Hubcap, Full of Grace

2010-11-15T13:44:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

I'm away from my computer for two seconds... er, four days, and the internet happens without me. I'd be upset if the issue wasn't so trivial.

Anyway, here's the rundown:

1) Here's my review of Values: Understanding Ourselves, a short that, ironically, doesn't appear to understand itself.

2) This Youtube video outlines the Rifftrax Master Plan through early December. Release day riffs for The Last Airbender (November 16, 2010) and Twilight: Eclipse (December 4, 2010). More big announcements for December have been hinted at... Well, you probably ought to just watch it yourself. That date for The Last Airbender release is tomorrow, by the way.

3) Strategy First finally has a passing mention of Darkstar on one of its revolving ads. For right now, it's listed as "Coming Soon".

Did Someone Forget to Tell Strategy First?

2010-11-09T15:11:00.000-08:00

Welcome, won't you?

It's Tuesday, which means Rifftrax has a new short. This one's Values: Understanding Ourselves. Naturally, it's about hubcaps. Grab it here.

Also, is it just me, or is Darkstar not actually out yet? They've got their own store that will probably take your money, and perhaps, maybe, possibly, just maybe send you a box with two DVDs in it someday. I'd try it myself, but seeing as how no one else on the web has acknowledged their existence, not even their publisher, I can't quite bring myself to pursue the experiment that far. I'd love to be wrong about this. Somebody please tell me if I am.

Rifftrax Video On Demand 131 to 140

2010-11-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

RVOD131 Seven Little Ducks

RVOD132 Cops: Who Needs Them?

RVOD133 You Can Do Something About Acne

RVOD134 Safe Living at School

RVOD135 Behavior of Domestic-Pigs in a semi-natural Pig-Park

RVOD136 Monkey See, Monkey Do: Verbs

RVOD137 Don't Be a Bloody Idiot

RVOD138 Magical Disappearing Money

RVOD139 Values: Understanding Ourselves

RVOD140 The Calendar: How to Use It

There are four really awesome shorts in this section: You Can Do Something About Acne contains the reassurance of the title and squirm-inducing biological facts, but no actual advice. The insanely capitalized and punctuated Behavior of Domestic-Pigs in a semi-natural Pig-Park is also insanely narrated in an only partially intelligible Scottish accent. Magical Disappearing Money offers terrified shoppers upon the altar of the bemused and careless Grocery Witch. The Calendar: How to Use It, doesn't think you know what numbers are. All of the above are kind of insane even without riffing, which leads me to believe that short selection is getting a little better down there at Rifftrax.

Now Available, I Guess

2010-11-05T17:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

Darkstar's out today, but as far as I can tell, the only place to order it is from the Darkstar store. I guess the download's supposed to be available from Strategy First, but thus far their site has no mention of it.

Vote Christine O'Donnell!

2010-11-04T16:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

Magical Disappearing Money has magic (of a sort) and peripherally discusses the subject of money, but the only thing that overtly and permanently disappears is a rather surprised milkman. Accurate titles have never been the strong point of any of these shorts, however, and this title's own failure to mention breaded zucchini and floral print capes do not prevent the short from being one of the funniest they've done. Review here.

Also: Darkstar is scheduled for release tomorrow, but I'll probably hold off until it goes on sale. They make me wait, I make them wait.

Next Halloween I'm Dressing Up as Breaded Zucchini

2010-11-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

I know you've all been clamoring to know what I thought of last Thursday's Rifftrax Live show. (In case you're wondering, the sound of my readers clamoring is all but indistinguishable from the soft chirp of crickets.) Clamor no more. The event report has been posted here.

In related news, a studio version of the first (and funniest) short from that show has been released. If you haven't gotten it already as part of your Rifftrax Live show goodies, go ahead and pick up Magical Disappearing Money and join the Grocery Witch in the fires of powdered milk hell. Grab it here.

RVOD140 The Calendar: How to Use It

2010-11-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

(1970s-ish, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Thirty days hath September / I’m someone you want to dismember...

Rating: ****

In a Nutshell:

Oddly dressed calendar models teach youngsters how read the date.

Summary:

A little girl shows up a day late to her friend’s birthday party. Embarrassed, she goes home and sits on her bed staring at the calendar. The lustrously-clothed calendar models spring to life and explain how to tell what day it is using common abbreviations, a previously unknown system of counting known as “numbers,” and a confusing, knuckle-based mnemonic device. They vanish at odd intervals to make room for a sleeveless rocker, who strums arbitrary notes on his electric guitar while repeating the models’ instructions in song.

Thoughts:

A word about the calendar rocker’s calendar songs: they are calendar tuneless. I mean, you may have calendar thought that the songs calendar from Monkey See Monkey Do: Verbs were tuneless, but calendar believe me, you calendar ain’t heard nothin’ yet. After sitting through the calendar songs in this calendar short, you still won’t have heard anything.

Beyond that, The Calendar: How to Use It is an odd little film with no real target audience, as surely a brain that needs instruction this basic also lacks the capacity to imbue sounds and images with meaning. Add this to its unabashedly awful soundtrack and relentless cheerfulness and you’ve got a film made in riffer heaven.

Given such low-hanging fruit, the riffers could have phoned in just about anything and made it funny. Fortunately, they appear to have found the rich source material inspiring. A few favorite comments: When the really, really white calendar people appear, offering to teach the time-ignorant child the wonders of calendars, Mike says, “But first, we’ll make you a lettuce and mayonnaise sandwich on wonderbread!” When the calendar rocker appears for the musical recap, Bill says, “This guy could easily win a Make Everyone Hate You contest.” As the songs and instruction grow more annoying and remedial with every word, Kevin complains, “He is actually pushing information out of my head.” At one point, the models attempt some of the stupidest wordplay ever conceived, causing all three riffer’s heads to explode. An unnamed third party appears to announce the Rifftrax’s cancellation due to mass death, but fortunately they get better less than a minute later. This one goes on the “Riffs Absolutely Everyone Must See” pile.

Don't Be an Australian Benny Hill Impersonator

2010-10-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

A review for the confrontational camping safety short Don't Be a Bloody Idiot has been posted. Enjoy! Hopefully while preparing to watch the Rifftrax Live broadcast of House on Haunted Hill in your local theater tonight. (Tickets available here, if you don't already have one.)

Rifftrax Live Tomorrow

2010-10-27T14:56:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

A review for Don't Be a Bloody Idiot will be posted tomorrow. Also happening tomorrow: Rifftrax's live broadcast of House on Haunted Hill. Find tickets and locations here. I'll be watching from San Rafael.

Not Sure Why It's a Meme

2010-10-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

"Release the Kraken!" Liam cried in the deep, portentous voice that made him a star. Yes, it was silly, but not any sillier than the rest of the movie. If anything, Neeson's delivery made it more dignified than most of the other lines, reduced as they were to incomprehensible mush by Sam Worthington's emotionless growl.

Anyway, the commentary's good, but Clash of the Titans itself is duller than drying paint. Review here.

Also, if you thought that pig short's title was delicious wait'll you see today's offering. Don't Be a Bloody Idiot comes to us through Rifftrax by way of Australia, where it's apparently kosher for educational films to swear at their students right in the title. I'm looking forward to it. Grab it here.

Serving All Your Kraken-Releasing Needs

2010-10-23T14:06:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

The Rifftrax commentary for the new version Clash of the Titans was released yesterday, but I was too busy enjoying Carpeting Adventures in the Rain(tm) to note this. Hell, I didn't even get to Parent-Teacher conferences like I was supposed to. But I guess it's better to release the Kraken a day late than not at all. Grab the commentary here. Review to come.

RVOD139 Values: Understanding Ourselves

2010-10-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

(1970s-ish, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

How come dogs only talk to me?

Rating: ***

In a Nutshell:

Three kids wander around; one is driven to madness by a discarded hubcap.

Summary:

Three small boys wander a neighborhood, jumping off walls and teasing girls, their arms around one another at all times. A narrator tells us about their different (read: all but identical) family situations, then touches on the story of Aladdin. Soon after, the boys find a hubcap in a vacant lot. They stick their tongues out at it for hours, eventually deciding that it’s a magic hubcap, capable of granting wishes. The Hispanic boy rubs it with feverish desperation, wishing to be someone else. He stops after several minutes, finally deciding that it’s okay to be himself after all. The Caucasian and African American boys decline their turns at rubbing. Whether they reached the same epiphany as their friend or were just sort of freaked out by his brief lapse into hubcap-polishing lunacy is a question that remains unanswered.

Thoughts:

Good short full of good points. I feel like it really helped me understand those boys better, you know, as people. I never actually thought about it before, but polishing a hubcap with your sleeve really is a revealing experience. It’s a pastime that generates moments of pure insight into the meaning of life. When it’s just you and your greasy, distorted reflection, you better believe your skill at introspective rubbing is the only thing that can tell you whether you’re a boy or a man. That’s the way I see it, anyway. I could be wrong. And if I am, then the short is nonsense with no point to it at all.

A few favorite comments: When the boys can’t stop showing the hubcap their tongues, Mike says, “It’s practically begging us to lick it.” When the narrator calls the hubcap a “magic mirror”, Kevin notes that it’s “a magic mirror, splattered with mud and old motor oil.” While the boys obsess over their discovery, Bill wants to know, “Had they not invented toys yet when this was filmed?” The short’s basically just a big block of unconnected assertions, and the riffers do a decent job pointing this out.

DOING!

2010-10-21T16:29:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

Rifftrax's latest short Monkey See, Monkey Do: Verbs has monkeys in it. And verbs. And a guitar. That's about it, really. Hope you like monkeys. Review here.

RE: Teats

2010-10-19T17:01:00.001-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

Behavior of Domestic-Pigs in a semi-natural Pig Park is simple enough in idea and execution, yet somehow reaches almost One Got Fat-levels of weirdness. I heartily recommend it, with the warning that it contains teats and distended porcine reproductive orifices. Review here.

Also on the animal short front, Rifftrax has released the simian grammar film, Monkey See, Monkey Do: Verbs. Grab it here.

Release the Hyphens!

2010-10-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

Lots of things to discuss today.

1) Here's the Safe Living at School review, the safety short for clumsy, drum-headed children everywhere.

2) The title alone is an English major's nightmare. Rifftrax's newest short is Behavior of Domestic-Pigs in a semi-natural Pig-Park. What other grammatical horrors are in store? Let's all watch and find out.

3) The next full-length Rifftrax will the this year's remake of Clash of the Titans. I haven't seen it yet, but I understand that, at some point, Liam Neeson shouts something silly. Featuring Mike, Kevin and Bill. To be released on October 22, 2010.

RVOD138 Magical Disappearing Money

2010-10-14T16:59:00.000-07:00

(1972, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Join me in the abyss of savings!

Rating: ****

In a Nutshell:

Only buy food in its basest, most unvarnished form.

Summary:

Shoppers wander the grocery store selecting their favorite processed foods while an invisible woman in a hideous dress shakes her head and clucks with disapproval. Finally, she can stand it no longer. She whirls her muumuu’s cape and wags a finger, causing a child to crash his cart into a large display of generic laundry detergent. This somehow makes her visible to the shoppers. They gather round while she conjures herself a podium.

There’s a lot of finger wagging coupled with cheap special effects, peripherally involving an undernourished kitten and the consignment of a milkman to hell. The bulk of her act, however, consists of breaking down the shoppers’ prospective processed food purchases into their component ingredients. The child’s pre-sweetened cereal would be cheaper if his mom bought unsweetened and then added her own sugar. Head-ball lady would be better served with plain rice than the seasoned boxed kind. Muttonchop man should just buy fresh zucchini instead of that frozen, breaded stuff. And so on.

The shoppers nod their heads in general agreement. The floral-print grocery witch wags a finger and disappears, reconstructing the generic laundry detergent tower in her place. Fearing her whimsical, scatterbrained wrath, the shoppers return their overly extravagant purchases to the shelf, swapping them out for cheaper, plainer fare.

Thoughts:

How to describe the Grocery Witch? Let’s just say that if Mr. B Natural got really high and dressed like a 1950s Chesterfield, you’d be hard-pressed to tell the difference. Strangely, I actually find myself agreeing with her shopping suggestions quite a bit, if not for the reasons she gives. I buy component ingredients because I love to cook, and food always tastes better when it’s been hand-prepared by someone who knows what they’re doing. It follows that we disagree on the subject of powdered milk, which is really friggin’ nasty. If you can't cook, or you don’t have the time and inclination, you'd be better off ignoring her.

A few favorite comments: When the title appears, Kevin subtitles it, “The story of the trillion-dollar stimulus package.” When the witch declares quick oats much too expensive, Bill adds, “Satan’s oats only cost your soul.” As the shoppers come round to the witch’s way of thinking, Mike invites them to “spread [her] dark gospel across the land.” Throughout, the witch has a habit of suddenly popping into frame at odd intervals, provoking deep-throated exclamations like, “Obey me!” and “I’ll drag you to hell!” when she appears. Kevin's parting short, "Vote Christine O'Donnell!" is hilarious, even if, no one will remember what that means a year from now. It’s a very strange short, expertly mocked, and the riffers punch up its oddity and abruptness at just the right places.

Rifftrax Live, October 28, 2010 (Broadcast from Nashville, Viewed from San Rafael)

2010-10-14T16:42:00.000-07:00

Getting to the show was far less eventful than it’s been in the past. I bought dinner, drove south, took a book for the half-hour I’d wait at the theater, etc. The pre-show slides were a nice way to pass the time when I finished my book; the one about Frankenstein being the name of the mad doctor not the—WHO THE HELL CARES! was my favorite. The cheesy infomercial-style advertisements for Rifftrax.com were pretty funny too. I think I’ll adopt “Hi, I’m Bob Rifftrax” as my new catch-phrase.

The show began with just a little patter this time, enough to give us their names and to make fun of each other’s half-assed Halloween costumes. Bill showed everyone his tail, provoking groans of disgust from his co-riffers. The shorts began.

First up: Magical Disappearing Money, an insane little short about an overexpressive woman dressed like my great-grandma’s sofa. She stalks a grocery store shaking her head with disgust at each unnecessary purchase. Finally, she waves her magic wand, forcing a child to knock over a laundry detergent display. Thereafter, she turns expensive processed foods into their cheap component ingredients for stupefied crowd.

Comedian Paul F. Tompkins came out to join them, stopping the show for several minutes to do a very funny bit about his crippling fear of bathroom mirrors. Then he joined the Big Three to riff another short whose name escapes at the moment. It involved a possessed paper bag that abducted small children from their beds to witness the death and torment of his tree of origin in a paper mill. I’m sure it was meant as a whimsical journey of learning, but the end result was pure, unadulterated nightmare fuel. Of course the riffers—all four of them—pointed this out.

A word about Mr. Tompkins: Having missed the Reefer Madness show, I can’t speak with complete authority on the subject, but as far as I can tell, he’s the best guest they’ve had in a live show thus far. His comedy routine was hilarious and didn’t overstay its welcome. His riffing was pitch perfect and different enough to have its own style. (This may be more personal preference than anything. All my favorite guest riffers sound distinct from the others.) Hopefully he’ll appear in a full-length Rifftrax someday. Mr. Tompkins also appeared briefly during the featured riff, when Kevin made a particularly awful joke and was ejected from the stage by Mike and Bill. He started recycling riffs they’d done earlier in the film, and they swapped him back out for Kevin.

Which brings us to House on Haunted Hill. I’ve already reviewed it twice, so I won’t bore you with another summary. The commentary subtly improves every time they riff it, but in my mind, that’s not enough to justify yet a third treatment. Don’t get me wrong, it was funny as hell, but I’d gladly pay double for a live show that wasn’t built around yet another retread.

And, uh, that’s about all, really. The movie wound to its ridiculous, non-haunted finale, the riffers took their bows and I went home.

Jaws Ay, Ay, Ay

2010-10-13T16:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

I was going to call Jaws 3 (formerly Jaws 3D) the dullest horror film ever made. But then I remembered Dark Water, a commentary for which is also available from Rifftrax Presents. So Jaws 3 is only the second most boring horror film I've ever seen. High praise indeed. Commentary's decent, though. Review here.

Grade Schools Are Pits of Disease and Pestilence

2010-10-12T15:13:00.001-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

A Jaws 3 review is in process. In the meantime, head back on down to Rifftrax, where the short film du jour teaches us Safe Living at School, a subject that doesn't get nearly enough class time at Hogwarts. Grab it here.

RVOD137 Don't Be a Bloody Idiot

2010-10-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

(1978, Educational/Short, color-ish)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Your tax dollars: searching for middle-aged fur trappers who are too drunk to move.

Rating: ***

In a Nutshell:

Make sure you’re prepared before you go walking about the bush.

Summary:

A bearded Australian (dubbed “Crocodile Brigham Young” by Kevin) points a shotgun at us and warns us all not to be bloody idiots. He quickly touches on the subject of shotgun safety before introducing us to three parties of outdoorsmen. Party One is a cartoonishly oafish couple who speed about the landscape in fast motion like Benny Hill. They fumble a barbeque and some folding chairs into the back of their station wagon and head into the wilderness. Party Two is just one guy on a hunting expedition, dropped off by his friends in the middle of nowhere to shoot at unspecified wildlife. Party Three is a group of four. They carefully plan their route ahead of time, packing all the necessary gear for staying out of doors overnight. They let the local police department know where they’re going on their way out of town.

Bearded Bruce McGunhappy narrates us through all of the above, plus their packing lists and some observations on what they’re doing right or wrong. That night it rains. The broadly played bumbling couple just wandered into the bush at random. They weren’t planning to be out overnight, but now they’re lost and can’t start a fire because they don’t have the right gear. The hunter didn’t take proper note of his position, so he’s lost too, but he’s got the equipment to start a fire and conserve his body heat. The hikers have wet weather gear, fire starters and tents, which they have the good sense to pitch on high ground. Of course they know exactly where they are, and hike right back to civilization the next day, making sure to let the cops know they’re back. The shooter survives his night out, finds a landmark, and returns to civilization as well. The designated Bloody Idiot couple remains thoroughly lost and unprepared. Fortunately, a nosy neighbor alerted the authorities of their absence and rescue efforts are underway as the short ends.

Thoughts:

The short is straightforward and fairly clear, if a bit overzealous. I’m all for being prepared, but hauling five tons of gear and informing the local authorities of my probable whereabouts at all times seems kind of excessive. But then, I’m not one for knocking about in the uncharted Tasmanian bush. I prefer to limit my wilderness experiences to the tamer “Carry a Map and Stay on the Trail” school of outdoorsmanship.

A few favorite comments: The short opens with the camera looking down a shotgun barrel, and Bill says, “Stop threatening me you Aussie lunatic.” After a little more abuse from the narrator, Kevin says, “I suppose it’s too much to ask that he gets mauled by a wallaby?” When the narrator asks what you should do when you’re lost, Mike suggests, “Give serious thought to the possibility that the world might be better off without you.” The fact that the short was made in a time and place where “bush” meant “wilderness” instead of “pubic hair” lends itself to jokes as well. It’s an often staid and sometimes oddly confrontational short whose regional quirks lend themselves well to mockery, and the riffers do a decent job of it.

This Time It's Not Yet Personal

2010-10-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

The Cole Stratton/Janet Varney Rifftrax Presents commentary for Jaws 3 is out. Grab it here.

Sebum!

2010-10-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

Sebum. It's all over you. It's inside you. And it's disgusting. Learn absolutely nothing about what you can do about sebum (and, by extension, acne), in You Can Do Something About Acne. Review here.

Call Your Local Congressman Today!

2010-10-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

It's Tuesday, and that means a new Rifftrax short. Today's offering is You Can Do Something About Acne. Maybe form an acne committee, or join an acne focus group. Perform dangerous, flamboyant stunts to raise acne awareness. Incite a rampaging vigilante mob and eradicate acne from our streets. Grab the short here.

The House on Rifftrax Hill

2010-10-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

Rifftrax once again spreads laughter and joy to children everywhere on October 28, 2010, when they perform a live broadcast riff of The House on Haunted Hill. This is not new news. The link to the place where you can buy tickets is, though. Go here.

RVOD136 Monkey See, Monkey Do: Verbs

2010-10-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

(1971, Educational/Short/Children, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Stop saying it like that, you warpo.

Rating: ***

In a Nutshell:

Monkeys and aimless folk guitar, with just a tiny bit of grammar.

Summary:

Look at the monkeys. What are the monkeys DOING? Isn’t it amazing what all those monkeys can DO? Let’s watch them SWIM, SIT, SCRATCH and BITE. Now let’s sit in silence through similar footage while you (presumably the kids in class) think of words for what the monkeys are DOING yourself. Now let’s repeat the first section, this time as a rambling, pointless folk song.

Thoughts:

Yeah, it’s dumb, meandering, mostly pointless and vaguely obscene (DOING!), but I’ll be danged if the monkeys aren’t cute, and at least it gets across what a verb is. That last point alone puts it head and shoulders above most of the other grammar shorts I’ve seen via Rifftrax.

The material isn’t coherent enough to inspire much beyond your garden variety “monkeys throw poop” jokes, so the riffers frequently have to strike out on their own. Mike works in a Road House reference. Bill works in a Star Wars Holiday Special reference. Kevin works in an Alan Ginsberg reference. Kevin sums the whole thing up with my favorite comment near the short’s end, “I’m starting to think this movie was based on a drunken bet.” It captures the essence of what this short is—a more-or-less random set of images, words and music, aimed at children, likely by someone with an altered consciousness. The end result isn’t entirely hilarious, but somehow the riffers make it work.

The "D" Has Long Since Slunk Away From the Title In Shame

2010-10-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

I just got back from sailing the San Francisco Bay with a bunch of fifth graders, and boy are my arms tired. That sentence, while true, makes no sense as a joke, but ought to reveal a lot about my current state of exhaustion. Fortunately, my father has never offended a powerful shark dynasty (as far as I know), so the event was entirely marine predator-free.

See what I did there? I shouldn't be as proud of that segue as I am; I suspect I'll regret it after a good night's sleep. In any case, Janet Varney and Cole Stratton will delve back into their beloved 1980s for the next Rifftrax Presents, Jaws 3. To be released October 8, 2010.

RVOD135 Behavior of Domestic-Pigs in a semi-natural Pig-Park

2010-09-30T17:43:00.001-07:00

(1970s-ish, Educational/Short, color)

Riffers:

Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy

Just cut it out and be bacon, would you please?

Rating: ****

In a Nutshell:

Graphic Scottish pig husbandry.

Summary:

Apparently pigs are best kept in herds, enclosed in large fields like sheep or cattle. A man with a thick Scottish brogue instructs us in the ways of these semi-wild pigs, going over mating habits, nesting habits, nurturing habits, etc. Birth (“parturition”), suckling and fights among males for dominance are graphically depicted.

Thoughts:

The summary above can’t begin to convey how weird this short is. We’re used to the rambling, unstructured style of the seventies and the oddly pointless tone of nature shorts by now, but when you put those together and then add the thick brogue, odd vocabulary and squirting porcine fluids, you’ve got a whole new level of surreal.

A few favorite comments: When the narrator addresses suckling, Bill says, “Well, at least now the word ‘teats’ is in play.” He then says this word at every opportunity for several minutes, ending with a horrified shriek when a hand reaches into frame to squeeze sow milk at the camera. When the narrator notes how piglets respond to threats, Mike says, “Threats With Erect Heads is the name of my vinyl punk cover band.” Near the end, Kevin notes the short’s Shyamalan-esque twist. “They were bacon this whole time!” he says. It’s not the strangest thing Rifftrax has ever shown me, but it’s pretty close, and the riffers take full advantage.

What Frank!

2010-09-30T14:36:00.000-07:00

Welcome, won't you?

Rifftrax's newest short, Cops: Who Needs Them, posits that policemen are necessary and useful members of the community. It then goes on to imply that they're also huge a--holes, and should be avoided whenever possible. Not sure why someone thought this would be a useful thing to tell this short's presumably teenaged audience. Review here.